A. Bunker here

One day some one may or may not find this blog. My tendency is to write as honestly as i can but holding back as I would never want anyone hurt by something I've written here in a moment of frustration or anger.

But I'm not writing this in that mood. These thoughts have been perking for a long time and I can't pretend or hide my distaste for ....well, Muslims.

They are two faced, aggressive and liars. There. I've said it. I detest seeing them in their burkas and am so close to saying loudly "what country am I in?". They used religion as justification to get their way. Even trying to change our laws to theirs so it works for them. Our stupid country with its liberal ideas lets anyone in. But not my white English cousins.

I would like to believe I'm not an Archie Bunker type person, but I'm quickly becoming that. I don't like the lying, cheating phoney Chinese either. I watch Border Security both the Canadian and the Australian show and those friction Asians fake not knowing not to bring raw food and creepy shit in. One bitch tried to give the border gal a lousy $20 Australian to let her through with unclaimed crap. Ugh. We know here that most on the streets don't have a legit drivers licence; they pay off the chinese guy who is a friend of a cousin working at motor vechiles. And our premier is encouraging them. Who is she trying to kid saying "they are going to build our country". More like tear it down to another ugly Bejing.

There. I've said it. I don't care who reads this and is shocked. I will apologize to a couple decent Asians I've known but thing is, they act Canadian - not Asian.  Is it to do with getting older and seeing the world fall to bits in the stupidity of politicians. Just old and bitter?

Na, I just don't like them and I'm older and honest now as I don't really give a shit.

dizzy with the aloneness

Here I have the first Friday in months that is wide open as to what I want to do as opposed to what I have to do and I woke up dizzy and not able to walk across the room without hanging on. No fever, nothing else - just walking like I got pulled over for DUI and failed walking a straight line. Oddly yesterday I felt like I was coming down with something and at night thought it was merely fatigue. So instead of going shopping for fall clothes and/or doing a Sal Ann dump, I'm stuck at home. However it is a long weekend and if I am lucky I will feel able to go look for boots and skinny legged pants tomorrow. The thought of trying on clothes over and over makes me wince. Still I want some new stuff.

What I wish I could do is buy new furniture and completely revamp this place. I could, but I have so many ideas that don't meld well together and the idea of emptying all of my crap from the cabinets and drawers I do have makes me want to just sit on the couch and watch tv. Which I do. Than I look around and the revamping ideas start again.

Even if I did all the reorganizing and it looked great, then what. It wouldn't fill that space in my heart that would sooner have someone, even if annoying in my life. Yes, P was annoying but that wasn't why I needed to stop seeing him. I can take annoying. I can even handle it if he loves science fiction or insists on watching sports all day on a Sunday. I can cope with messiness or even if he is a neat freak and I'm not. But I could no longer tolerate utter selfishness and him justifying it. The hoarding grew intolerable and the message it gave me was "I don't have room" for you and his refusing to come up here and meet my family and when he would have me come down, I would be reminded how this was taking him away from his work and his time is money. Selfish in that we did what he wanted, when he wanted. Even the last time I was there, I planned a nice dinner cruise as it was Christmas time and his 60th birthday was a couple weeks prior. What did he do? He insisted we stop at a taco place 2 hours before we were leaving because he hadn't eaten all day. We got there fine but even on the cruise, he insisted we wait until everyone else had gotten the buffet before we line up. It was just too much and I saw it would never change.

Now I alone and no longer really want to be. But not enough to do the online dating scene. It will have to be a fluke meeting. Now I have to figure out how to do more to open up that chance.

Going shopping and watching TV isn't going to make it happen.


 

me? up??? wtf

Okay... so apparently I'm fine. Did I not mention to the doctor that I helped down a couple bottles of wine 2 days prior to the lab test? oops. Still, I really was wondering as fatigue bites at me. The thought of shopping makes me take a deep breathe and plan my route carefully because I sure can't count on going out once I return home. Done. Finished. I was having some upper back pain and of course I was getting the idea that I had something bad. Nope. A few tweaks with my chair and desk at work and I'm better. I was waking up in pain so I really was thinking something was up. Nothing wrong with me.

Except for being lonely and bored and confused as to how I got to this point. Except for wondering why bad things health wise happen to people that are ambitious, happy, social and have dreams and hopes. I don't - I would have deserved something to happen. Of course, one day yes it will.  Just not as soon as I was starting to believe. Has this given me the drive to become motivated and busy? No, but I'm faking being happier. I'm faking not being worried and pissed about the changes at work. "Change is good, it will all work out" I say. What I really want to say Change sucks and why fix what isn't broken. I pretend I'm not leery of learning something new. At the same time, I'm relieved that I won't have to change locations and have to deal with people that will immediately resent, if not dislike me as they feels they are superior for having posted to be out there. I don't even WANT to be out there so if that lil bitch thought she was all smug telling C she was going to be doing my job and I was to be upset, she can go fuck herself. I not only didn't want to work out there, I didn't want to have to commute or eventually move out there. I'm just not ready to. I like my little apartment where it is. Once I retire, I will likely bow to the pressure from Ash but for now, I don't. And besides, I want to move on my terms when I want.

When I stop working in Benefits, I will email the RTW people to let them know I have enjoyed working with them all. It is a sneaky way to try to connect with T and maybe he will respond. If I am lucky he will suggest we get together as there will not be a conflict any longer. Oh gawd, Jaci would have a fit as she really doesn't respect him. I just am so darn drawn to him it isn't funny. What if that happens? It would be great is what would happen.

Selfishly I'm enjoying my free Fridays. I've had doctor appointments and a wedding to get ready for (just wanted to clean up nicely for my daughters sake!) so this Friday is actually my first free one I've had since Mom went back to Regina. It is Thanksgiving weekend coming up and my sister isn't of course asking me for turkey dinner. She didn't last year and she wasn't even not talking to all of us last year. She is one twisted and odd doll. Somehow Gord finding a place for Mom has ruined their lives? She isn't talking to us because....??? We don't know. Don't really care all that much. Even when she wasn't mad I was tense when ever I had to spend time with her. I just found I can never trust her. Difficult and bad tempered. Don't need it.

Laters.

Unknown and unwanted

Every ache, every off bowel movement and every ounce of tired makes me worry. This has to stop. I had the ultra sound on Friday and I hope I'm wrong but I could swear the technician looked sad when I left. Did he see something? I didn't ask. I only want to hear it from my own doctor.

I won't know more until Oct 3rd. I didn't make an appointment this Friday as my regular doctor isn't in and even though her partner is just as great, I just don't know about seeing a different doctor about this stuff. And Jodie's wedding is Saturday and it best I not know anything until after.

What if it is awful news? Then first thing is to get POA set up and get information about work life insurance, etc for Ashleigh. Friday I'm going to take another pile to Sal Army. Clear out as much stuff as possible.

What if all I need is a new mattress? I wake up with such a sore back then it gets better as the day goes on. Another pile of money I need to spend.

No, I'm going to stay in my current work location. There is more I do know and I have a feeling my job as it is will not be as pleasant and will change. If it does, Jaci will post out and Shelly won't commute that far. Chris is retiring in a little over a year so....

So much depends upon what labs results show and if I really do have something off.

just pathetic in my loneliness

Today I wasn't as tired and the fog in my head stayed away. But a degree of discouragement, disappointment and depression is a lingering pain in the ass.

Am I deep down worried that something really is wrong with me? Actually, not really. I'll of course follow through with the dr appointments and any tests they may want to do but honestly? I really think it is related to being pre diabetic most likely and depression. My life is void of much to look forward to and I have little control over the direction it takes. Most of all, I'm disappointed at the daily reminder of being alone and likely always will be. My mistake was assuming someone would enter my life that would want me equally as I want him. But once you are over 55, you HAVE to have either money or looks and preferably both. It's assumed I have nothing to offer because I'm not pretty. No chances - game over for good.

Money could not become a real problem if I decide to work out in the valley and commute. What about my doctors, dentists and other medical? As it is, every Friday is being taken up with some appointment somewhere and eye doctor and dentist are bugging me too. Mind you, it's not as if I have plans with friends. What friends. I've gone to having many and always making more to a few who live miles away and one local that can't even be bothered answering a text. Again, what have I become that I'm not wanted around unless I do something for someone. If it turns out nothing is seriously wrong with me, it will be coping with new work environment and for a few months of commuting until I buy something. I'm sure I could buy something out there and I hope I can make Ashleigh understand why it is important that I have my own space. No matter how nice a place it could be, it will feel theirs and I'm only borrowing the space.

But if it turns out I will have a battle on my hands, well, best I be off work now for a while than dealing with a new work environment or same work site but new job. If I have to be off, and it looks like I will be back at work in a few months that will be challenging. So would a different job. Fuck these assholes for making this change. Forcing me into changing my life to suit their stupid plans. All because they don't have enough space. Oh, they do, they just don't know how to distribute it.

Maybe a few months off would be okay. As long as I'm not so sick I can't move from here much less organize my life. Time to just be home.

I just wish I could retire next year. That would be exactly what I would do. If I stayed here, and worked part time somewhere, I might be able to do it. If I could make an extra $1000 working part time, I might be able to do it. What about working 2 different retail jobs? Save On and London Drugs? Work 25 hrs a week might do it. Hmmmmm. Maybe this would be better but my benefits...I can't lose those. Better would be to go on LTD for as long as I can as I would get 75% of my salary. If I could do that for a few years...hard to do but not impossible. Even if I was off for a year? Oh gawd, I don't want that. Nope. I doubt I'm ill anyways.

I'm bored and lonely. And that is making me sick at heart.

Rag doll

I've been back at work for 3 weeks and the benefits of time off have worn off. Not only that, my delight at having Fridays free isn't going all that great. Dr. appointments and dentists wanting my money some more.

Im going to have to make a decision at work. Apparently they are planning to move Benefits out to the Langley office. My options are: stay in current location but do a different job, keep current job and commute or commute for a while but eventually move. There are drawbacks to every choice and it pisses me off that my life gets messed with by a whim by others that don't know or give a shit about me. I don't want to move as I like my apartment. I'm sick of moving because of circumstances and not because it feels right.

But here's the thing....my doctor called me back about the blood work and now have to go for an ultrasound to see if something is amiss in some ab organ. I went through this before and it ended up not being anything or they figured it was due to an antibiotic I took. The difference last time was I felt sick and had side pain. This time all I am is tired. All. The. Time. I didn't realize that until the results of that blood work. The fatigue started the last week I was on vacation and I put it down to just being lazy. When I got back to work, every day was exhausting but I put it down to boredom and then stress of change coming. If I'm ill, this will also impact what I decide to do. Returning to work after being ill is hard - harder if it is a different job. But commuting??? gawd.

Now I have thoughts running in my head that I am going to be really sick and can't plan anything. Except to get things in order. Okay I'm not overly worried and I tend to prepare for worse case scenarios so I don't get sidelined.

If I get ill, this will devastate my kids and my mother. Oh, Karen and Gord will care but really, no one else will give a shit. See what happens when you can't find a life partner? You have to deal and cope all the worst things alone. I'm trying to keep some semblance of order and clean in here just in case. Why? Because I don't want any one coming over to visit or offer help and see it in a bad state. Actually, I don't want anyone coming over period.  And, I just would like to live neater anyways.  Friday is the ultrasound, and follow up next Friday for results.  Then we'll see.

I feel like a rag doll. Old, worn out - perhaps once a favoured toy but now serves no purpose so is there taking up space.

It could be that my fatigue is due to depression. Depression that I have been hiding and denying for a long time. My head feels like it has cotton batten in it most of the day. Once afternoon hits, whether at home or at work, I just don't want to do anything. Just watch TV and play Candy Crush. The plan to take painting and drawing - out the window.  There is so much distrust at work, at least from my end that I would love to be able to tell them to shove it in March and retire. Then I get all resentful that I can't because I won't have enough pension or a partner to tell me to just retire - I've done my time.  I so regret not having someone in my life. I resent copying my mothers life. She was widowed at 42 - I was divorced at 42. I kept Paul in my life longer than I knew I should have as I didn't want to  repeat her. But clearly, I was not meant to have someone. Was I born unappealing and it would have been more odd that I did marry for love and life? I just don't understand what I've done that is so bad that no man will ever want me. Interestingly enough, there is even an assumption  on my daughter's part and others that I won't have anyone. Presuming that when I retire I will be in a position to move into a bigger house with them. (she wants me to bank roll of course). Not even a thought of gee, what if mom met someone. I guess once your kids see you as a reject to the opposite sex then you are definite over.

Maybe it is just timely that this old rag doll checks out anyways. Honestly...who after a bit of time will give a damn anyways? No one tries to make plans with me. They always have other things to do with other people or just don't respond to my text or phone message. Sometimes I feel that I am not much more than a baby sitter for Ashleigh and a possible money lender to Trevor. Take that away and I serve very little purpose. I'm so afraid to end up where their interactions are merely obligatory.

Yup. A useless ragdoll. A bitter one at that....

WTF???

I'm now safely on vacation and enjoying doing what I feel like doing when I feel like doing it and not feeling too guilty about not hustling with major purge. But...Libby asked me if Sandy could come with us to Harrison. It's not that I'm childish and selfish, it's that I know Sandy doesn't like me and this will be a waste of time and money for me now, It will become the Sandy and Libby show and I will be the tags along. I wish I hadn't suggested getting away. Sandy insisting on joining us for dinner was one thing but this....She is a snob and the last time she joined us, openly was dismayed at where I live and refused a glass of the wine I offered after she looked at the bottle. I don't understand why Libby felt she needed to include her when she knows her well and saw how she was judging. So much for catching up at least from my end. I'll be aware of Sandy being critical of every word I say so I will steer the catch up talk to Libby. I'm pissed frankly, Clearly Libby didn't want one on time with me as much as she let on. See why I rarely suggest or take the initiative with people to do things? I offer up an idea, and they take it over and it becomes what they want. This is the price I pay for being flexible and open. And not having a pair. Most people would have said, well, I was hoping for just us as it gets harder to catch up with another person. If I was really gutsy and strong I would have pointed out that Sandy does NOT like me and I don't know why she would care to share that much time around me.

Mum is in Regina and I feel she is safer there. There won't be as much time alone as she had here. It wasn't too bad having her here as she strives to be a helpful guest and doesn't like to interfere. I don't believe Linda took the 2nd week of August off as she said she was. I think she didn't want Mum there in case something might be out of place in the guest room for a showing. And being the hero she is (yes, that is sarcasm) took us to the airport. I was TOLD I had to get her there. We are lucky we made the flight as they are strict about baggage drop times and we were late. But I checked her in the day before and upgraded her seat. Would she have upgraded??? Doubt it. She took the longest route there and the longest route back to drop me off. And she made a point of not speaking to me and letting me know that "she got a gate pass for the past 15 years". What a hero. Here is the nature of her real character....I told her about Arlene and Randy losing their home in a likely twister and in her flat I don't give a shit about anything to do with you voice...gee that's not good. Nice person. I really question the relatives that have no idea of how nasty her disposition is and she shows them only her "generous and smart" side. It's called phoney people!

I have this image of Mum turning around as she was boarding to wave and smile at me. Is that image stuck there as it might be the last time I see her? I plan on going to Regina in June and again at Christmas 2015. The June part is tentative but I think Christmas will be a good idea next year. We just can't plan things though.

Here is something interesting. About in January this year I started thinking about Aunt Helen and Uncle Don and out loud when alone asked them to help. Do you think they did? Do you think Dad joined them to guide Mum back to where she really wanted to be? If you want to believe that stuff, then yeah, they listened.

I can see Mum not being able to live alone in a year or so. She doesn't prepare meals for herself much. She is constantly going through things and reorganizing them. Her way of triggering her memory? Stress makes her really mentally and emotionally fragile. Karen and Gord will be there to help her navigate the medical and move into her new home so I can't worry. I do feel guilty for the relief I feel having my time back to myself. But I think she left feeling I appreciated her help in here and giving Samantha good company.

Its so weird being home and not having to be somewhere by a certain time. Oddly, I had a dr appointment yesterday morning and that forced structure was good for me. How will I cope when I retire? I can tell that I will make sure I go to the community centre for classes, etc. If I move out closer to Ashleigh I'll have to figure out what is out there. Relying on the tv and sewing and cleaning isn't the best idea. I almost wonder if I should even seek seasonal work - like a garden centre or walmart at Christmas time. No car, no night work though.

I won't plan on going to the UK after I retire as I know now Linda has succeeded in dissing me to the aunts. I'd like to see my cousins but not the others knowing that they don't care for me. I kinda figured that out last year when I said to Aunt Francie "I might go over in a year or so" Her response was "okay, that should be okay". Huh? Never phones me, or emails even when I've emailed. Linda is so wonderful and poor Linda ,etc. Gimmie a break. Instead of getting a whole picture, she prefers to hear only twisted versions of me. buh buh.

The last 3 days I was at work, I of course was so hoping for connection to T. Of course - nada. As they said in SITC - he just isn't that into you. Oh I will move out of this waste of emotional void once someone else comes along to tweak my interest just as much. Reality is that I'm considered old so there are few men that would be attracted to me as much as I would be attracted to them. Join something, you say? Well what? I think if I joined something i need to do it for me and not as a way to meet someone. That is what those lame and risky dating sites are for.  I'm likely going to sign up for an art course in the fall. I'm genuinely interested in relearning to draw and paint. Maybe that sense  of something new happening, something exciting will be in the fall. Maybe once I'm back at work, the opportunity will present itself to connect with T. Big doubt there and I need to stop wasting my emotional energy on this. Just taking a course and making myself walk and do some weights/core exercises could be all I need. My choice, my benefits.

Oh gawd. My poor little cat. I took her to the vet to get a large matt removed and the price of a used car later, my baby had a sore mouth from tooth cleaning and was totally traumatized. She has forgiven me now and this morning jumped into bed to wake me as usual so she is feeling better. But I won't be here to give her the last two days of her antibiotics. Fingers crossed that will okay. Poor little  thing. She is 12 now so things are going to start going amiss. Indicators already that her thyroid is possibly amiss and calcium levels are being watched...this could indicate that start of a tumour :(. I love cats so much but losing them after so many years is so dreadfully painful. I'm not sure I really will get another one. Who am I kidding...of COURSE I will.

I wish I had booked a flight to LA to go see Sherry for a few days instead of having to spend time with Sandy. Had I known this was the case, this is what I would have done for sure. Had Libby said getting together for dinner with or without Sandy I could have. Next year Sherry, I will try.

Except if the cat costs me the price of such a trip next year. Love the cat; hate the cat box and the expense of vets.

And your point is?

I have this sense of something about to happen. A shift. I've had this before, but it was usually a strong sense of dread. This is different.

Or maybe i'm so obsessed about T that I'm reacting like something has already start. Knock it off and get real.

The reality is, if he is so great, why is he single? Well if he is. What is making me nuts is the fact I'm not this strongly drawn to many men. So I suppose this is tricking me into believing he is one I must have. Lets face it, I'm pretty lonely and starved for male attention so that make me easy pickings for my heart. Not as easily as when I was younger though. Strong caution and even though I want T's attention, I won't hesitate to tell him this isn't working for me if he shows red flags of selfishness, arrogance, untruthful, quick tempered or sulky and takes out his issues on me. No more - ever.  There is an ease in which we talk that I just can't help but know there is something there.

Mom will be at my place for 2 weeks and I'm glad I can help her but oh my gawd. I'm going to be glad to go to work. She means well, but that non stop jibber jabber is nerve wracking. But her nerves are shot thanks to L rushing her packing and on top of it...took rent for August! She isn't even going to  be there. That is your 83 year old mother you fusing bitch. So done with her and any of the relatives that think she is wonderful. Please move before Christmas. PLEASE????? And if she thinks I would plan anything for her leaving, think again. And I won't be going to the island or where ever they end up nor will I phone. They are carrying on like Gord finding a place for her has upset their cart. No, they were going to do this anyway and now they think they don't stink for forcing her to move. Telling everyone they supported her and are so broke. Oh please. But this taking money from mom and making her packing up harder than it had to be has pushed me over. My silence will make her squirm as she will know not one of her siblings is on her side. I tried. I believed she was becoming human. Nope. It was all a manipulation. She knew what they were going to pull.

So them gone, my Friday's free - woo hoo! First order is organization of this apartment. Find storage solutions and toss stuff. Make Trev take that TV and get some new drapes for the window. Fabric storage - cube shelves. Ikea storage and tv stand. but just ridding of things is a big job. No car so it is many trips on foot. I need to get rid of that computer chair and stand and have Trev take the monitor, keyboard and printer. I'll have my life back.

But unless I get T or someone as good in my life, it will an empty one.

Fear: I will at the end of my days realize that I wasn't good enough to be really loved by a good man. Merely used as long as I gave them what they wanted. That is not okay. If all I have is 5 to 10 years with someone great, that will make me content.

Otherwise, there must me no point to my life. What if that really is the case?

Fuck.

Still Stuck In Want & in Time

Three days in with the hopeful opportunity that T will call. And nothing, He could be on vacation. Yet usually there would be some email to the reps that his caseload was being covered. There is of course, some hope but I'm not all that optimistic. I'm better than I was when I was younger as back then I know I would have skirted around and around and made my presence known until he suggested getting together. Now I'm not as 1) I'm not confident in my appearance regardless of what I do with hair and make up 2) He could be seeing someone regularly and 3) I just want to be sure he is interested by him making a clear move that leads to him asking me out. Leave it to fate? To a point. I just need to pay attention to opportunities but not create them. I really do believe back when we first met that he was interested. I couldn't follow up on anything as I was seeing P. Then I think he just moved on and dated and forgot about me. Almost. I do think there is some degree of interest but just not as much as I have. Unless he hides it and just isn't acting on it as it could be a bit of a conflict. Please? If there is such a thing as a guardian angle, please guide him right to my path. I am oh so ready.

I guess L has Mum's stuff more or less packed and she will be coming to stay at my place on Saturday. I think she got the moving truck to come early so that their vacation wouldn't be disrupted. And bonus for her, she gets to tell the aunties how she did it all and Audrey oh, helped a little bit. Did I not make it clear that I could do it this weekend? All of it. She has to show how much superior she is. Please guardian angel....have their house and condo sell right away so they move away so I won't have to deal with her. I want to get out of Christmas there this year a d next year I think I'm going to go to Regina for Christmas. If they are moved away by December this year I won't have to. Otherwise I will have to stomach it one more time.

My vacation starts August 14th and I will have my time to myself. Bliss. Libby will be here and I want to ask Ashleigh or Trevor to take me to Target for cubbie shelves. I need to take the cat to the vet and get my hair cut. I need/want to start some exercise regeim so I look a bit better for the wedding I'm going to. But I want me time as well. Go to Seattle to fabric shop? I need to get my passport renewed but first I need BCID renewed. I should check out summer sales for shoes and clothes as Im wanting to go on a cruise or at least go to Mexico in March.

Yeah, planning a nice 60th birthday gift to myself. Why? I'm an old doll of 60 and no one else will make a big deal. friction' 60. Can you believe it?

Oh gawd, maybe I should forget my fantasy, as that is what it mostly is, about T. I'm old :(. Once that happens, its game over unless you are a woman with a lucridouv business or career (=money) and could be considered appealing physically. I'm neither. Why am I not blessed with looks or brains or even street smarts? They say everyone has a gift but I don't really believe that. If I participated in things I am interested in, perhaps the options would widen but even then, doubtful if you aren't pretty.

Possible things to take:

buy a camera and take photography lessons
buy a bike and learn to take a ride first around here, then venture further out. (and, T rides so I would have a reason to call him or just mention I got a bike....broad hint hint!
Take a voice over course
Take drawing/painting courses

Just things I'm interested in anyways.

Funny....same things as when I was 16/17 years old. Arty things and boys. Nothing changes.

Well, except cynicism. I've gotten pro at that.

Wishes Becoming Reality

Could it be possible that wishing can make it so? Or will it end up to be be careful of what you wish for as you may get it?

Mom IS moving back to Regina and it is stressful keeping her anxiety and upset at a low level but impossible when L plays her nasty selfish games all the while saying poor her. She is making it harder than it needs to be as she made it clear packing boxes can be around as they are showing the suite on Saturdays. Really? Yet in the next breathe you are saying that they deserve to get away. Um, she can fuck off if she thinks she can screw this up. I could be wrong but I think she grew more agitated as I kept saying no problem - I can pack her up and she can stay with me the last week before she goes if she has too. Frickin' bitch. She just doesn't see that we don't want much to do with her as she is so twisted. I realized that she talks in circles to avoid a direct answer and I come away rather confused. Within 24 hours of G phoning her to say he found a place for Mom, they put the condo AND their house on the market. They couldnt wait 3 tricking weeks to avoid extra stress on an 83 year old woman? No wonder that wonder Mom is upset and stressed and confused about dates. Now I am wondering if Linda started planting the seeds of Mom's apparent dementia symptoms so that she had someone in agreement that something needs to be done. My hunch that their whole motive was to use her as an investment renter but then learned mom is needing a lot of attention from people she knows. Had she bothered to ask me, I could have told her that. But she wouldn't have listened to me and in fact, would have used my opinion to fuel relatives negative opinion of me and to increase her own value. Sad, but even though they used to be favoured aunts and uncles, she succeeded in making them dislike me and value her. Know what? screw em. They can't be bothering to even drop me an email yet they listen to only her. Screw em. They don't bother contacting us other three as though we are useless and just mean to poor L. Yes, I am looking forward to having my time back but strangely a bit sad too. Hey, she isn't a bad woman. Just needy and clingy and can out guilt any jewish mama. I have to force myself to not burst out laughing when her voice gets all high and harsh and gets all "oh poor us, we work so hard and do soooooooo much, blah blah" Right... a million $$$ of property for sale and I'm to give you sympathy? Uh no.

Other wish. Well......:) . Well, no nothing as great as him contacting me on some ruse or even to admit he would like to get together but... Today, at work, a member called about an issue with her file and when she said T was someone she had talked to I realized I could include him in the email message to   my rep. Ruse on my part? In a way. But it appeared legit - basically I was giving him a heads up this potentially volatile person would be calling him. It didn't take long and he emailed me back saying he spoke to her and explained more of the situation to me. Well, okay and the rep. I emailed back thanking him for the info as it would help me if she called me again. I thought that would be the end. Nope. I got an email to that with a very nice, "thank you Audrey, you're very welcome". Not anything you say? No. It's a little something. He is not the sort to thank everyone for polite emails as I know he has butted heads with J and she said he can get really a bit grrrrrrrr. Yet I'm crushing so bad I think everything about him that I know - wonderful. Please let it be possible that he is interested / curious about me but doesn't know if he should push it or if it is even not a conflict. I just really really like him. And I'm watching for all opportunities to contact him without being obviously stalking him. Hey pal, you should consider yourself lucky - I don't stalk just anyone! Please, please, please have him make an initiative move. Fingers crossed starting next week when C is off that he calls and I get to talk with him. Please???

What if something does perk. I will have to forever from this point on, be very careful for what I wish and want. Maybe there is a power in wishful thinking. Maybe if it is a strong wish over a period of time that it works? Maybe if the same desire is there for a long time and deeply felt there is a stronghold and it starts to happen.

Thing is, as much as I would love it if he asked me out, it has to be his initiative. That is the only way I will know he is truly interested and not being merely polite and a bit curious. No, I need to know he is feeling similar notes of attraction as I do.

Fingers crossed. The next 3 weeks will be telling on both these issues. Hey, I could be sorrily disappointed and T not call once on anything. Timing could be he is on vaca. Could be L manages to manipulate things so that the moving truck doesn't pick up until half way through my vacs and she delights in wrecking my vacation with me packing it up.

Not negative, just realistic. Things haven't ever gone my way before, why would they now? Still, I'm taking the possibility of something new and exciting and wonderful starting with me to bed at night.

Pun intended :)

Oops I'm Doing It Again

I'm such a child. Still locked into being 17 years old and hoping against false hope T will go to the Show & Shine here as they are having a Bike and Shine as well. Just because he rides a bicycle doesn't mean he would be interested in coming to New West when he could be at some cool Vancouver beach or on a bike ride in the mountains or islands. I'm going to head down the hill anyways. Besides there might be someone else that is interested in me. oh gawd, sure. Right.

I'm a bit delirious as one hope has come true. Mom is going back to Sask. Being the shitty daughter that I am, I am relieved. It is exhausting to never be able to make her happy. What she wanted from me was almost 7 day a week attention. Hints to live with me, complaints that I'm so busy. Uh no, I don't drive so errands, seeing my kids, and every Friday for her didn't leave me much time to just be. It's insane as the part of me working is left out. It gets negated by most as its not a career, I don't talk about it much, and oh,,,"you only work 4 days a week". Try being expected to produce and manage a 5 day work load in four. I'm sorry but I'm glad.

Oddly, I'm having a twinge of sadness but not as much as I should. I'll have my life back and can go see Ashleigh on Fridays if I want. I can make medical appointments easier and gee, I can go downtown to just enjoy it for a change of scenery. Guilt isn't a good emotion but it is real.

I hope G isn't pissed at me and thinks I should have done more. But what? Naw, I don't think he is.

A small to look forward to going to something in my neighbourhood but I am. However, I have a feeling that the reality is that I will quickly be out of place not being with anyone. Like anything else lately that I've tried to go to enjoy, I'm flat-out out of cinq and don't fit.

Keep trying until it does?

Who knows, maybe my quota of wishes coming true isn't used up and he will be there.

...and monkeys will fly out my ass....

Damn same crap.

It sounds like G & K are working to get Mom back to Regina. Problem is, I don't think Mom is fully aware. She doesn't know if or when her flight to go visit is booked, and even says it might have to be on hold so "she can pack".

And guess who is in the middle trying to figure out what is fact and what is planning stage. Yet Gord doesn't call me and I don't think Linda is aware.

Is mom getting last year all mixed up with this year and L & J aren't moving to the Island? Or are they secretive until all their plans are in place to say Mom has to go. Small hints but how much is Mom getting mixed up.

All I know is my life isn't my own and I don't fit in anywhere. Maybe once this mess is sorted out I'll have some luck in finding a way to enjoy some aspects of my life.

Perhaps I should have bitten the bullet and gone to Whistler but frankly, I sensed I was merely asked to be polite. They really didn't want me to go. Who would have been stuck in a car with Audrey for 3 hours there and then back. It was a situation in which I was damned if I did or didn't.

I'm hoping but not obsessing that there will be a shot with T when C is away. Surely he will have to phone Shelly (hopefully she will be able to cover) but with email there isn't much chance. Unless he wants to hope to talk to me. I realize now, that he did that before. Damn timing being off.

All I want is some shred of hope. Few friends - 2 live far away and the other doesn't seem to want to talk to me much less get together with me. No man in my life and not likely to get one now. Aging has made me even less attractive and I never was pretty. Work is boring but it is a decent pay cheque for the next 5 plus years. The people I work with are associates, not friends. One person I thought was okay i now a turncoat. She suddenly seems to not only go along with M's antics, but almost is defensive of her. She seems to not want to talk to me anymore. Phoney. As for family, I'm degrees removed from them too.

I wonder what I do that is so freakin' bad that no one wants me around. Except when they need a piece of me. If I am not doing something for someone, they can't be bothered.

I'm going to go see Maxine again as it helped but yet, nothing she predicted happened. No guy came into my life. She was a nice person and I enjoyed her. Maybe when I'm on vacation. If I have any damn time to myself as I'm supposed to get the movers in order from this end. I don't have a fob key and will have to ask Linda for one. She won't like it. SHE has to have total control good, bad or otherwise.

Sigh. It's summer and I should be enjoying myself but nope. Not at all. Same stuff, same routine as winter.

Something has to give.

What should I have been when I grew up?

It's just not easy to shake this feeling of worthlessness. Harder is to believe in any hope of real happiness in the further. Not now. It's too late. Had I made different choices and had some luck on my side it would have been different now. Had I had a man in my life that loved me and I felt safe in his love, I wouldn't be feeling now that I must me one of the most undesirable women in Vancouver. Even if I had been widowed and grieved his loss, at least I would have had the knowledge that at some point I was genuinely wanted by someone.

Now at almost 60 I need to accept that my life must have been meant for something else. Not what I thought it would be or what I wanted, but something else. But what? What on earth should I have taken?

Now I'm facing in five short years or so, no employment and even more aloneness than now. Great.

Best not write more as this is plummeting my mood down into even deeper mud.

I've fallen into that stupid trap of obsessing and fantasizing different scenarios if he did try to connect with me. I'm hoping that there will be a chance when C goes on vacation as I told him he should leave his message machine off. Yes, there will be more calls but there would be a chance to talk to T if he calls about a case. I can hope but I think I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Fate might work out for me but it always seems I have to try too darn hard or timing is ever so slightly off. I swore that if I ever liked someone again that they would have to do the chasing. If I do subtle or not so subtle things to show interest, he may be merely intrigued and curious but not necessarily attracted. I really would like for once to be the woman that a man seeks out when he gets up the courage. All I can think to do is to be friendly and happy to talk to him and hope.

I can't believe he is single. Is there something about him that is really not good? I sure don't see it. Quite the opposite. I am seriously attracted to him and just find him pleasant. Lets not forget he has a cat. I don't think he has a girlfriend as Tuesday was a holiday and his Facebook page indicated he wasn't with anyone - just chill in' with his godson is what it said. It was a nice day, so if he had a girlfriend, I'm sure he would have taken a bike ride or done something. Of course, he should have later in the day so I can't get hopes up.

He seems more tangible than before. Oh please powers that be. Give me a shot with this guy. Please have him be as interested in me as I am in him. Please let us see and if it doesn't go anywhere, then at least I know I'm not dead inside like I was starting to fear I was.

At the same time, getting older so fast is scary. I do not want to be with someone out of dreading remaining alone forever like mom. I want to be with someone because for both of us we can't imagine anything different.

Me Bad

This is going to be hopefully the place where I feel okay with blurting out that stuff I cannot share. With anyone. But even so, I can never kid myself with believing it is 100% safe. You just never know what savvy techie person who knows someone wanting to snoop so things might be glossed over to some degree. Interestingly enough, this writing again is helping my crappy mood. Not as depressed about everything even though the essence of my existence is still void of any real happiness or joy.

What I'm going to write about will show that I am not a good person. I've grown selfish and bitter.

For the past five years I've been obligated to have to trek out to White Rock to visit Mom. L brought her out here to "help" her. Based on past history and dynamics, I was suspicious as to the real reason. At first, I thought it was so that she could show all the aunties how wonderful she is. She tried to tell me that I should go spend weekends out there. Um noooo. Then it became apparent that she would drop in for a half hour after work and told me she was glad I spent a day out there so she didn't have to. So the three of us other siblings see that they bought the condo for an investment only. Mom is now living under the stress of being well, evicted. I'm resentful of the trip most Fridays but L was quick to point out that I only work 4 days a week. Fuck off bitch. I should have asked her how she would feel being told to spend and hour and a half getting there and commuting 2 hours home each week. Good set up for her...she can once a month pick her up at 4 and take her home the next morning by 9:00 and be oh so wonderful to all the relatives.

I resented this as I had not say or choice. Mom is difficult in that she repeats the same stories over and over and gets information all mixed up. Trying to have a conversation is almost impossible and it makes me exhausted. As for trying to sort out fact from anxiety is even harder. L apparently phoned G, our brother, to complain that the condo is costing them and mom only pays her $600 /mth. Well, that was what she told mom to pay and refused to take more. Is she hinting for G to pay her some $$$?

Summary, I don't feel attachment to my mother and little for my siblings. G & K & I get along but there isn't any real closeness. I've spent my life being judged and criticized and it is still there. I'm not going to Sask this summer as I don't want to have to coordinate everything around what works for G to have Mom there. My friend A doesn't get it really as she had parents that she still misses. I guess I didn't have good parents. I had a father that was full of anger and hate and took it out on me. It was hard to drum up displays of appropriate emotion when he died. I stopped needing my mothers attention 15 years ago or more. K wanted to be done looking after her and thought it a marry idea that I move to Sask and live with her. So Mom could help me???  Sure. Right. All semblance of being my own person would have been taken. I would have forever remained 17 and having to report everything I did. And listen to all the snide comments about who I hung with and about what I did, wore, ate, etc.  I'd come home to soups and stews and too much heavy food.

Yes, I'm done. What makes me so choked is there is this great woman at work that has just been told she needs to go for a biopsy for a lump found on a mammogram. S is funny, nice, smart and just all around great to have around. She has a husband and a grown son that she adores and that love is returned fully. An A would like me to believe in God? no. What kind of God dishes out these inadequacies. An 84 yr old has past her expiration date and there is nothing in this world for her. Her kids aren't willing to take her on without complaint. And then S is young, active, has many friends and a family she is close to and gets hit with this?  You will have a very hard time convincing me there is a god. Selfishly, I've done nothing to deserve such an empty life. But this is what your "god" has dealt me.

There you have it. A summary of my wicked thoughts.

Oh, so yesterday, Mom said that G told her he will look for a place out there. If that is true, then good. But he has to be so pissed at L and maybe even me. The selfish devil on my should hopes this happens. If it does, then maybe, just maybe, wishes will come true for me. (I've been wanting something to happen so she goes back) .

And if this wish happens, then maybe??? Ya think???

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Realization: It isn't that Mom is so bad, it's that I live fearing I will end up just like her. It feels like I'm on the path. Alone, not really liking many people, not a lot of money to enjoy life, and not seeing anything much to look forward to. No one really seeks out my company except to need me for something. So my point is, that I believe it is my expiration date that has passed. This is why it is bothering me about S. If the cosmos was fair and equal, as much as it would suck, it would be me and not her getting bitch slapped by fate.

This doesn't mean I don't want her to move back to Regina. If I was a nice daughter I would say I will find a 2 bedroom together. no f'ing way.

Me still bad even with a couple degrees of clarity.

Out

For some reason, I put it out there. I told someone that I have a crush and even though I don't really trust her with my feelings, she seems to see that as I'm older, I understand what she is talking about with all her dating. I don't agree with the amount of sleeping around she is doing, but she is young and frankly, that is what young people do to try to learn what it is about themselves and what they need. She may not really like me but she sees that I'm not judging too harshly and am interested and frankly fascinated and a bit envious.

Does mean that saying it out loud, albeit not saying exactly who he is, that the wheels of fate are in motion? I rarely wish for anything for myself. Usually I'm just wanting people to stop taking pieces of me. Or don't mock me. But this, this wanting a specific, breathing, walking, talking male to show me some attention is new. Yes, in the past I've messed around on chat rooms and got "attention" that was flattering, but it has been a long time since I've coveted someone who is sorta around me. Flash back to the Y days and that crush on D. Holy hanna....me was bad as it was a crush for sure but I was married. That was the indicator that my marriage was on its death throws. I suspect D was gay anyways. There was speculation for sure, but I swear he liked me too. Suddenly the flirting stopped - I have a feeling A set him straight if he asked her about me. She was jealous I know so likely delighted in snapping that idea like a fragile twig.

Oh, I know there will be a catch so too speak. I've learned that there always is with these boys I think I want.  Once I know what it is, then I will have a better idea if it is a deal breaker or not for me. That is a list I need to write about to get it clearer in my head. And heart. I really need to learn what I need and want and then be brave enough to ask for it and if it isn't forthcoming, then end things but with class this time.

Just in case. You know, in case hope against hope that I have the opportunity to have to utilize them.

Lame But True

Fifty-nine fucking years old and I have a crush. It is such that if he did by some miracle ask me out that there would be zero hesitation on my part. No cute and coy. No unsure if I wanted him to ask me out or not. A quick and clear "I would like that". But I have to accept that my wishing won't make it happen and bottom line is, he very likely has no interest in me. As it was brought up in Sex In The City, so many years ago, he just isn't into you. It was pointed out that if a guy is interested he book you soon. I know this but it doesn't stop me from obsessing and trying to figure out a way to "run into" him again.

It's peripheral work relationship so it could be risky and if fates are looking out for me and not allowing things to brew, it could be just as well. Those same fates taunt me with things like, I find him really good looking and he is very friendly without being phoney. A bit of online sleuthing also told me he owns a very pretty cat. Be still my heart. A guy that I think is cute and he likes cats???

At this point I'm hoping against hope something will work when C goes on vacs and when T calls, it won't go to his voicemail. I might just have a chance.

He too is from Saskatchewan. The first time he met me he asked where I was from and when I said Regina, he goaded me and said "oh, the OTHER city" Cheek. And last summer it turns out we were both there at the same time.  He in Saskatoon and me in the Other City. So close, so far.

Please? Please cut me some slack here. I'm ready and wanting to be with someone. I want to get to know him at the very least. That is new for me. When I'm honest with myself I realize that had not good reasons to keep others in my life. I couldn't even have the guts to tell on to shove off early on even when there were lots of red flags. That I chose to ignore.

But I'm not attractive and not athletic or interesting. I never developed a career or got an education. Just did my best to work at jobs that didn't totally suck. It is likely too late.

Timing is everything. I have this feeling that 3 years ago or so, he was on the brink of pursuing something with me but because I was with Paul I didn't brazenly show my own interest. The kicker? I was at that time also realizing things were on a fast downward slide. Had I not been with him, I might have had that shot. Now however, I am so clear in my mind that I want a chance to get to know him.

Please??? Do I ask for much? So sick of just having nothing. Hate being like my mother. Alone and no one has time for me, nor can they be bothered with me. Unless I am doing something for them.

One shot. One piece of hope. A little bit of delight and happiness, even if just for a while.

Even if he turns out to be a shit.

I need, I want, I wish

Time alone has been good for me for one thing. It's enabled me to look at what it is that I really want. or rather, what I believe I want.  This doesn't mean I know how to get these things or that I believe in putting it out to the universe works.  Putting it out there without action behind it is merely false hope.

My problem is that  I'm not easily able to allow myself to hope and dream. My wishes get dashed or they go sideways. Gawd help me if I bother sharing with anyone. My words are either shot down, mocked or ignored.

But here it is. At this point this is what I want.

I want a good man in my life that loves me and wants to share his life with me. It is that simple. If I trusted that I was loved, everything would fall into place. Sure, differences and disagreements would be par for the course but if I trusted he genuinely loved me I wouldn't play it out as if this meant we were ending it.

He would let me be quiet when I needed and he would respect my privacy. Like wanting to read what I write. And not being choked when I wanted to talk on the phone privately.

He would want to go on small and big vacations with me. He would want to do a road trip to Sask with me. He would even be willing to make that trip with my kids.

He would be supportive of me and help me not be so fearful of everything and most people.

He would encourage and help me get my drivers licence.

I want a home with space and a garden. He wouldn't have to be interested in it but would  be proud of how great I would make it.

He wouldn't need to make a lot of money. Just enough so that when I retire, we would live fine.

Ideally, I'd like it if he said he would sooner have me happy not working than bringing in a pay cheque but bringing home unhappiness.

He would have a great sense of humour and would appreciate mine.

For my part I would try making good food regularly. I would be kind and not bitchy. If I snapped I would quickly apologize.

I would learn to find a way to be more honest about my feelings. Instead of waiting for him to bring up hard talks, I need to speak up. I need to learn that avoiding conflict is as bad as screaming all the time.

And we both wouldn't shy away from meeting and spending time with each others families.

So, now I know. I want a man in my life. The kicker is that deep down I know it will never happen. It just isn't in that cards for me. I'm just not a woman that has any appeal.

Which leads me to the question of how do I develop a happier life alone and accept that I'm not going to have what I want?  Ever. How do I accept a life of suddenly of not even any man in my life, but no friends at all. What happened? I'm politely accepted at work but not really wanted. I'm asked as part of a group but I always sense it is out of obligation and not really wanting me to join in. That Whistler weekend is a case in point. There was no encouragement to go when I said I didn't think I would. L lives in my neighbourhood and will give me a Saturday afternoon maybe twice a year. I had no idea until now that I was so unlikable.

Sinking here into invisibility and little purpose outside of my kids. How did I get here? Because I can't drive and people resent picking me up? I don't ask anyone ever. But thinks like Whistler leave me out because likely no one wanted to ride with me for 3 hours. To be honest, I didn't want to go as the thought of spending a whole weekend with people I can hardly wait to get away from during the week was unpalatable. To have to listen to that loud, pretentious laugh all weekend and no escape made me cringe. And their activities didn't appeal to me. Spa, dirt biking, etc.

But no friends outside of work is worse. Well Libby and Arlene but they live miles away. And lately Arlene annoys the hell outta me. Underneath that goodie goodie and her being super wife and mom and grandmother and bragging about her gardening and quilting irks me. I'm not going to go there this summer. Maybe in the fall, but not this summer.

The other reason I'm not going in August is I would be expected to plan my flights around Mom's. If Gord won't deal with her for more than a week, then he can talk to Linda about getting Mom to the airport and picked up. I want to plan my vacation when I am able to go, Not around 3 or 4 other peoples schedules. Watch Gord suggest Mom come back in the fall if I go then.

I guess it sounds like I don't like anyone much and that is likely why I've given up on people. No, it is me being rejected or used or criticized that led to me feeling this way.

It sure makes it difficult to making what I want happen. Most people meet people through friends and family. Besides dating sites which I won't do.

Is this it? Game over?

Geez.

Broken Doll

It has been so very long. Why did I stop writing?  I think I feared something happening to me and my stuff getting read so I deleted every post. Also I just lost my writing mojo.

Thinking back to the P days, he wanted to read my blog, and I didn't want to share it with him. It wasn't so much that I had things to hide from him, but that I knew he would criticize my grammar, spelling, sentence structure and everything I said. That was one of the first red flags that I needed to reconsider giving my time and energy to him. Are we supposed to share everything with our partners? If you do, and your fear they will mock or dismiss what you share happens, is that telling you they are wrong for you? Or is this not a deal breaker and merely one of those relationship issues to be worked on?

It all ended badly. Each was at fault. Although I do miss him I don't want him back. This is something that i wasn't expecting. Over is over. But, I never disliked him as I did D. I could not longer deal with his hoarding and his selfishness. That last new year we spent together cinched it for me. It was glaringly clear he had literally no room for me. I was compartmentalized as something he used as it suited him. After that I really withdrew and was relieved that he stopped calling me very often and when he did, he hinted to borrow money from me. Worse, he said maybe I should get a gun and then 2 days latter, phoned making light of that. He knew that I have known two people who took their own lives, and yet, he made light of this.  Was it selfish on my part to not want to share his money issues? After wasting my young adulthood with someone selfish and felt it was my job to help with the result of his stupid spending decisions; I could see that happening again and I got nervous.  It took him a year of not bothering to ask me down there and not calling before he wrote me to say fine... I get it and then gave me hell.  I withdrew and didn't even try to talk to him about how I was feeling. He was right to be hurt and angry about that. It was poor form on my part. But if he was able to be really honest with himself he would admit to his selfishness and his hoarding problem that made it a physically clear message that there was no room for me in his home. Bottom line, he was a pig and was oblivious to his terrible habits.

And yet now I find myself so lonely I could scream. It's not as if I suddenly flew into a crazy dating scene. Hardly. I don't get an ounce of male attention. An old broken doll. She had been once cute enough to be appealing and got roughly played with. Now there is no one who has a need for her so she sits in her corner, alone and confused as to why no one wants her.

A couple crushes but not reciprocated. Most days I feel invisible. If I didn't have the crushes I'd believe something was wrong with me.  What is wrong with me is I'm almost 60 fucking years old and I live in a city and modern society that only values youth. My brain has it set that if only I was pretty it wouldn't be this way. Pretty people have attention all the time. They can pick and choose. I could say if I had money that would bring them around too but I would have too also be smart and astute to eliminate those that only wanted me for money. I'd sooner be wanted because I was pretty. I just want to be wanted.

I have a feeling that I hung onto both D & P for far too long because I knew no one of value would want me. I was putting off this being alone for as long as I could. Yes, this is depressing and just so you know, all comments that are mean, hurtful and cruel will be ignored.  Your cowardness doesn't deserve a response.

This is going to be my only space to get this mess of feelings out. No one gets it and no one wants to hear it anyway.

My little granddaughter is another broken doll. So cute and funny and loves her Gam (me). She is turning 5 years old next Saturday and my heart breaks. She is non-verbal autistic. Funny, her and I click and communicate fairly easily anyways. Why did this happen to her and her parents? I give my daughter full credit for her perseverance and dedication to get A to a point that she will be going to kindergarten in regular school, albeit with an aid, in September.

There we are, one old, one young, dolls that society doesn't know how to deal with. So usually they get ignored. This old doll's highlight this weekend was when the young one was so excited to see me that she did a dance. A small thing for most, but it helped me forget my deep sense of being unwanted.