I'm an idiot. I know how much younger he is than me and believed I could shut the attraction off. Oh I don't try to run into him, but somehow I still do. WTF? If I didn't know better I would think he is tracking and hoping to run into me. Clearly he isn't aware of how old I am. hahahahahahaha! Sensing someone is curious about me is an ego trip for sure. But the reality is, this will go no where.
I think winter depression is once again starting to settle in. Craving carbs, sleeping difficulties and wanting to isolate and not leave the apartment. Now I don't want to go to Regina for Christmas and wish I hadn't booked it. Had I not been going there I could have gone to Hawaii and met up with Karen and surprised Justin. One thing about going twice this year is I won't have to go twice next year. I'll go for a week in August but the rest of my vacation time will be mine.
My need to isolate is pretty bad. I don't want to put the work into having the kids over and they must be a bit hurt. I used to but I just don't want to. I have to spend a day reorganizing and Arielle proofing much less the cooking. I just don't want to. My world is supposed to be about them but it is more important I don't miss my shows and have peace and quite.
So this whole niquab wearing issue is making my nuts. It has made me so aware of how racist I really am. I seriously don't like them nor do I trust them. They dress like it is 600 BC and we are forced to accept our rules being changed for them. I'm more surprised at the supporters . Are they blind? Giving the benefit of the doubt isn't a good idea when it comes to illegal immigrants and supposed refugees from the middle east. Or from Asia for that matter. Yeah, I hate the world.
know what is sad? I have more regrets than memories of happiness. My good moments were always dashed. I learned eventually to just not hope for much or let happiness settle in my bones because it will be taken from you. Retirement will be what long weekends are like but with a lot less money. I should be planning trips now but knowing I can't find anyone to go when and where I want is impossible. Being in touch with Heather makes me consider going to the UK but then I realize my aunts will only want to sing the praises of 'poor Linda' and Heather has a ton of money to spend and she isn't one to treat - each pays their own way. Which is fine when it is affordable but she has zero clue. I want to go to Hawaii but no one to go with. Karen wants to go on some Alaskan cruise next august but i'd sooner go on a LA cruise. This is one reason being permanently single and undatable sucks. No one to enjoy things with. Like a nice restaurant now and then. A play. Even Fright Night would be fun. But it seems I'm not meant to ever have anyone. I never was meant to.
I guess that is it - I have no purpose. No purpose, equals no motivation.
As much as I'm glad I've reconnected with Heather I'm still confused as to why she bothered. She isn't opening up about why so I'm a bit suspicious. I thought she might be planning a trip here again - no mention yet. She doesn't volunteer much and does respond to what I write in a friendly manner. No mention or hint of wanting to reconnect with "family" or if getting to e 61 has made her regretful or reflective. No asking about aunt / uncles cousins or my sibs here. Nor do I as I don't trust her to keep my real thoughts to herself. If only I wasn't so distrustful I would suggest that we meet in New York. We each book our own flights and room and have an adventure. But, she would only shop at boutiques and designer shops and I'd want to go to the village.
No hopes or dreams anymore. That is what makes one old.
