And your point is?

I have this sense of something about to happen. A shift. I've had this before, but it was usually a strong sense of dread. This is different.

Or maybe i'm so obsessed about T that I'm reacting like something has already start. Knock it off and get real.

The reality is, if he is so great, why is he single? Well if he is. What is making me nuts is the fact I'm not this strongly drawn to many men. So I suppose this is tricking me into believing he is one I must have. Lets face it, I'm pretty lonely and starved for male attention so that make me easy pickings for my heart. Not as easily as when I was younger though. Strong caution and even though I want T's attention, I won't hesitate to tell him this isn't working for me if he shows red flags of selfishness, arrogance, untruthful, quick tempered or sulky and takes out his issues on me. No more - ever.  There is an ease in which we talk that I just can't help but know there is something there.

Mom will be at my place for 2 weeks and I'm glad I can help her but oh my gawd. I'm going to be glad to go to work. She means well, but that non stop jibber jabber is nerve wracking. But her nerves are shot thanks to L rushing her packing and on top of it...took rent for August! She isn't even going to  be there. That is your 83 year old mother you fusing bitch. So done with her and any of the relatives that think she is wonderful. Please move before Christmas. PLEASE????? And if she thinks I would plan anything for her leaving, think again. And I won't be going to the island or where ever they end up nor will I phone. They are carrying on like Gord finding a place for her has upset their cart. No, they were going to do this anyway and now they think they don't stink for forcing her to move. Telling everyone they supported her and are so broke. Oh please. But this taking money from mom and making her packing up harder than it had to be has pushed me over. My silence will make her squirm as she will know not one of her siblings is on her side. I tried. I believed she was becoming human. Nope. It was all a manipulation. She knew what they were going to pull.

So them gone, my Friday's free - woo hoo! First order is organization of this apartment. Find storage solutions and toss stuff. Make Trev take that TV and get some new drapes for the window. Fabric storage - cube shelves. Ikea storage and tv stand. but just ridding of things is a big job. No car so it is many trips on foot. I need to get rid of that computer chair and stand and have Trev take the monitor, keyboard and printer. I'll have my life back.

But unless I get T or someone as good in my life, it will an empty one.

Fear: I will at the end of my days realize that I wasn't good enough to be really loved by a good man. Merely used as long as I gave them what they wanted. That is not okay. If all I have is 5 to 10 years with someone great, that will make me content.

Otherwise, there must me no point to my life. What if that really is the case?

Fuck.