Winter got me. Got me good. For once I had a great Christmas - I was with my kids who WANTED me with them, not like my sister who only felt obligated to have me. And yet, January barely was in and I wanted to hibernate. It is March tomorrow and I'm still sluggish. Today, was beautiful out and I was actually afraid to leave my neighbourhood because I get tired after 2 hours and just want to get home as soon as possible. It's not like I used my time at home to clean and organize. Oh noooooo. I put groceries away and flop down on the couch and watch tv all day until I go to bed.
I've been fighting off a virus for almost a month now and that has slowed me down. Today I thought I was over it but fatigue and coughing ruled the afternoon. Frankly, I think depression is keeping me physically sick. This has never happened but it has to come out some way. Normally I over eat.
I've bought 2 new small things for decorating this place and I think and hope just starting to fix my home will progress and I'll feel good about my home. But it's such an effort - trying to figure out how to get rid of things. I don't like strangers coming in here and for that matter I don't like people I know coming over either. Makes it hard to sell a teak hutch and get rid of Trev's TV. I just prefer to be alone.
One reason is people always disappoint me. People who I believed liked me and wanted my company actually only want me around to either a) point out how superior they are to me by judging or making hurtful comments or b) feel obligated to tolerate me so they don't appear to be mean. Last Sunday I was quite taken aback at A's comments / statements concerning my grand daughter. Has she no clue as to how hurtful she is insisting she is at 18 month level and only is in school because "they want to socialize them now". Excuse me???? You know, a year ago she was judging about why I stayed married as long as I did. "I mean, didn't him not wanting sex with you tell you something". I let it go but now...I am seeing a side to her that will take out her own unhappiness on me by going for areas that will hurt. I know I explained to her that his MO was to act like I was disgusting and stupid and never good enough so that he could hide leaving with that. So now, I'm having to emotionally remove myself from her now.
Now I really don't want to go to Regina this summer. Her and Mom are tugging at me, both wanting my time with them. I told Arlene Mom is not getting my spending time with her and her response was "We can pick her up and take her places with us". Uh, noooo. I'll go, base myself at Mom's and Arlene will just have to deal. In light of these two things she has said to me, I'm not feeling torn if she gets hurt I don't spend all my time with her. The other thing she did that smarted was joking with Randy about hooking me up with some dumb ass friend that has no appeal "but he has money!". I'm a joke and only can be matched up with idiots. Now I wish I had played my cards with Brian when I had an opening. Wish I hadn't shut him down - wouldn't she have blinked. He's younger than me and good looking. If I have that opportunity this year I'll go for it.
Sick of my job. Sick of being bored. Sick of lousy shows on TV. Sick of me having to initiate everything with everyone. I've stopped asking now though. I can't help but wonder if my mind/feelings is what is making me hang on to this bug. Never have I had something hang on this long. 3 frickin' weeks.
Exception is enjoying time with Libby. I came down with this that weekend but it didn't ruin the weekend. I just ran outta steam on Saturday when we were downtown. Thing is, even without a cold, I have no energy or motivation in the afternoon. I could have and should have finished a couple sewing projects today but I didn't. Tomorrow, hopefully. Once I finish a couple UFP's I can do something new. Some cushions for this place. And a couple quilts for ME.
People are just so disappointing. Work friends? Right. Not one of those bitches will contact me once I retire. I'd be kidding myself otherwise. Oh, there will be a Facebook comment or an email, but no "lets meet on Sat for shopping and lunch".
Cycle: people disappoint me, so I avoid trying to engage, which makes me removed, so they don't try, so I give up and isolate. Okay, solution is find people who don't disappoint me rather than just give up.
It's been easier to give up and expect nothing. If any positive attention and attitude comes my way, it is bonus but not the rule.
Maybe this is just winter talk. Maybe this will reverse when longer days and warm weather comes.
Yeah, and maybe there will be world peace. All of it is wishful thinking and cannot be counted on.
