Time alone has been good for me for one thing. It's enabled me to look at what it is that I really want. or rather, what I believe I want. This doesn't mean I know how to get these things or that I believe in putting it out to the universe works. Putting it out there without action behind it is merely false hope.
My problem is that I'm not easily able to allow myself to hope and dream. My wishes get dashed or they go sideways. Gawd help me if I bother sharing with anyone. My words are either shot down, mocked or ignored.
But here it is. At this point this is what I want.
I want a good man in my life that loves me and wants to share his life with me. It is that simple. If I trusted that I was loved, everything would fall into place. Sure, differences and disagreements would be par for the course but if I trusted he genuinely loved me I wouldn't play it out as if this meant we were ending it.
He would let me be quiet when I needed and he would respect my privacy. Like wanting to read what I write. And not being choked when I wanted to talk on the phone privately.
He would want to go on small and big vacations with me. He would want to do a road trip to Sask with me. He would even be willing to make that trip with my kids.
He would be supportive of me and help me not be so fearful of everything and most people.
He would encourage and help me get my drivers licence.
I want a home with space and a garden. He wouldn't have to be interested in it but would be proud of how great I would make it.
He wouldn't need to make a lot of money. Just enough so that when I retire, we would live fine.
Ideally, I'd like it if he said he would sooner have me happy not working than bringing in a pay cheque but bringing home unhappiness.
He would have a great sense of humour and would appreciate mine.
For my part I would try making good food regularly. I would be kind and not bitchy. If I snapped I would quickly apologize.
I would learn to find a way to be more honest about my feelings. Instead of waiting for him to bring up hard talks, I need to speak up. I need to learn that avoiding conflict is as bad as screaming all the time.
And we both wouldn't shy away from meeting and spending time with each others families.
So, now I know. I want a man in my life. The kicker is that deep down I know it will never happen. It just isn't in that cards for me. I'm just not a woman that has any appeal.
Which leads me to the question of how do I develop a happier life alone and accept that I'm not going to have what I want? Ever. How do I accept a life of suddenly of not even any man in my life, but no friends at all. What happened? I'm politely accepted at work but not really wanted. I'm asked as part of a group but I always sense it is out of obligation and not really wanting me to join in. That Whistler weekend is a case in point. There was no encouragement to go when I said I didn't think I would. L lives in my neighbourhood and will give me a Saturday afternoon maybe twice a year. I had no idea until now that I was so unlikable.
Sinking here into invisibility and little purpose outside of my kids. How did I get here? Because I can't drive and people resent picking me up? I don't ask anyone ever. But thinks like Whistler leave me out because likely no one wanted to ride with me for 3 hours. To be honest, I didn't want to go as the thought of spending a whole weekend with people I can hardly wait to get away from during the week was unpalatable. To have to listen to that loud, pretentious laugh all weekend and no escape made me cringe. And their activities didn't appeal to me. Spa, dirt biking, etc.
But no friends outside of work is worse. Well Libby and Arlene but they live miles away. And lately Arlene annoys the hell outta me. Underneath that goodie goodie and her being super wife and mom and grandmother and bragging about her gardening and quilting irks me. I'm not going to go there this summer. Maybe in the fall, but not this summer.
The other reason I'm not going in August is I would be expected to plan my flights around Mom's. If Gord won't deal with her for more than a week, then he can talk to Linda about getting Mom to the airport and picked up. I want to plan my vacation when I am able to go, Not around 3 or 4 other peoples schedules. Watch Gord suggest Mom come back in the fall if I go then.
I guess it sounds like I don't like anyone much and that is likely why I've given up on people. No, it is me being rejected or used or criticized that led to me feeling this way.
It sure makes it difficult to making what I want happen. Most people meet people through friends and family. Besides dating sites which I won't do.
Is this it? Game over?
Geez.
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