One day some one may or may not find this blog. My tendency is to write as honestly as i can but holding back as I would never want anyone hurt by something I've written here in a moment of frustration or anger.
But I'm not writing this in that mood. These thoughts have been perking for a long time and I can't pretend or hide my distaste for ....well, Muslims.
They are two faced, aggressive and liars. There. I've said it. I detest seeing them in their burkas and am so close to saying loudly "what country am I in?". They used religion as justification to get their way. Even trying to change our laws to theirs so it works for them. Our stupid country with its liberal ideas lets anyone in. But not my white English cousins.
I would like to believe I'm not an Archie Bunker type person, but I'm quickly becoming that. I don't like the lying, cheating phoney Chinese either. I watch Border Security both the Canadian and the Australian show and those friction Asians fake not knowing not to bring raw food and creepy shit in. One bitch tried to give the border gal a lousy $20 Australian to let her through with unclaimed crap. Ugh. We know here that most on the streets don't have a legit drivers licence; they pay off the chinese guy who is a friend of a cousin working at motor vechiles. And our premier is encouraging them. Who is she trying to kid saying "they are going to build our country". More like tear it down to another ugly Bejing.
There. I've said it. I don't care who reads this and is shocked. I will apologize to a couple decent Asians I've known but thing is, they act Canadian - not Asian. Is it to do with getting older and seeing the world fall to bits in the stupidity of politicians. Just old and bitter?
Na, I just don't like them and I'm older and honest now as I don't really give a shit.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Friday, October 10, 2014
dizzy with the aloneness
Here I have the first Friday in months that is wide open as to what I want to do as opposed to what I have to do and I woke up dizzy and not able to walk across the room without hanging on. No fever, nothing else - just walking like I got pulled over for DUI and failed walking a straight line. Oddly yesterday I felt like I was coming down with something and at night thought it was merely fatigue. So instead of going shopping for fall clothes and/or doing a Sal Ann dump, I'm stuck at home. However it is a long weekend and if I am lucky I will feel able to go look for boots and skinny legged pants tomorrow. The thought of trying on clothes over and over makes me wince. Still I want some new stuff.
What I wish I could do is buy new furniture and completely revamp this place. I could, but I have so many ideas that don't meld well together and the idea of emptying all of my crap from the cabinets and drawers I do have makes me want to just sit on the couch and watch tv. Which I do. Than I look around and the revamping ideas start again.
Even if I did all the reorganizing and it looked great, then what. It wouldn't fill that space in my heart that would sooner have someone, even if annoying in my life. Yes, P was annoying but that wasn't why I needed to stop seeing him. I can take annoying. I can even handle it if he loves science fiction or insists on watching sports all day on a Sunday. I can cope with messiness or even if he is a neat freak and I'm not. But I could no longer tolerate utter selfishness and him justifying it. The hoarding grew intolerable and the message it gave me was "I don't have room" for you and his refusing to come up here and meet my family and when he would have me come down, I would be reminded how this was taking him away from his work and his time is money. Selfish in that we did what he wanted, when he wanted. Even the last time I was there, I planned a nice dinner cruise as it was Christmas time and his 60th birthday was a couple weeks prior. What did he do? He insisted we stop at a taco place 2 hours before we were leaving because he hadn't eaten all day. We got there fine but even on the cruise, he insisted we wait until everyone else had gotten the buffet before we line up. It was just too much and I saw it would never change.
Now I alone and no longer really want to be. But not enough to do the online dating scene. It will have to be a fluke meeting. Now I have to figure out how to do more to open up that chance.
Going shopping and watching TV isn't going to make it happen.
What I wish I could do is buy new furniture and completely revamp this place. I could, but I have so many ideas that don't meld well together and the idea of emptying all of my crap from the cabinets and drawers I do have makes me want to just sit on the couch and watch tv. Which I do. Than I look around and the revamping ideas start again.
Even if I did all the reorganizing and it looked great, then what. It wouldn't fill that space in my heart that would sooner have someone, even if annoying in my life. Yes, P was annoying but that wasn't why I needed to stop seeing him. I can take annoying. I can even handle it if he loves science fiction or insists on watching sports all day on a Sunday. I can cope with messiness or even if he is a neat freak and I'm not. But I could no longer tolerate utter selfishness and him justifying it. The hoarding grew intolerable and the message it gave me was "I don't have room" for you and his refusing to come up here and meet my family and when he would have me come down, I would be reminded how this was taking him away from his work and his time is money. Selfish in that we did what he wanted, when he wanted. Even the last time I was there, I planned a nice dinner cruise as it was Christmas time and his 60th birthday was a couple weeks prior. What did he do? He insisted we stop at a taco place 2 hours before we were leaving because he hadn't eaten all day. We got there fine but even on the cruise, he insisted we wait until everyone else had gotten the buffet before we line up. It was just too much and I saw it would never change.
Now I alone and no longer really want to be. But not enough to do the online dating scene. It will have to be a fluke meeting. Now I have to figure out how to do more to open up that chance.
Going shopping and watching TV isn't going to make it happen.
Wednesday, October 08, 2014
me? up??? wtf
Okay... so apparently I'm fine. Did I not mention to the doctor that I helped down a couple bottles of wine 2 days prior to the lab test? oops. Still, I really was wondering as fatigue bites at me. The thought of shopping makes me take a deep breathe and plan my route carefully because I sure can't count on going out once I return home. Done. Finished. I was having some upper back pain and of course I was getting the idea that I had something bad. Nope. A few tweaks with my chair and desk at work and I'm better. I was waking up in pain so I really was thinking something was up. Nothing wrong with me.
Except for being lonely and bored and confused as to how I got to this point. Except for wondering why bad things health wise happen to people that are ambitious, happy, social and have dreams and hopes. I don't - I would have deserved something to happen. Of course, one day yes it will. Just not as soon as I was starting to believe. Has this given me the drive to become motivated and busy? No, but I'm faking being happier. I'm faking not being worried and pissed about the changes at work. "Change is good, it will all work out" I say. What I really want to say Change sucks and why fix what isn't broken. I pretend I'm not leery of learning something new. At the same time, I'm relieved that I won't have to change locations and have to deal with people that will immediately resent, if not dislike me as they feels they are superior for having posted to be out there. I don't even WANT to be out there so if that lil bitch thought she was all smug telling C she was going to be doing my job and I was to be upset, she can go fuck herself. I not only didn't want to work out there, I didn't want to have to commute or eventually move out there. I'm just not ready to. I like my little apartment where it is. Once I retire, I will likely bow to the pressure from Ash but for now, I don't. And besides, I want to move on my terms when I want.
When I stop working in Benefits, I will email the RTW people to let them know I have enjoyed working with them all. It is a sneaky way to try to connect with T and maybe he will respond. If I am lucky he will suggest we get together as there will not be a conflict any longer. Oh gawd, Jaci would have a fit as she really doesn't respect him. I just am so darn drawn to him it isn't funny. What if that happens? It would be great is what would happen.
Selfishly I'm enjoying my free Fridays. I've had doctor appointments and a wedding to get ready for (just wanted to clean up nicely for my daughters sake!) so this Friday is actually my first free one I've had since Mom went back to Regina. It is Thanksgiving weekend coming up and my sister isn't of course asking me for turkey dinner. She didn't last year and she wasn't even not talking to all of us last year. She is one twisted and odd doll. Somehow Gord finding a place for Mom has ruined their lives? She isn't talking to us because....??? We don't know. Don't really care all that much. Even when she wasn't mad I was tense when ever I had to spend time with her. I just found I can never trust her. Difficult and bad tempered. Don't need it.
Laters.
Except for being lonely and bored and confused as to how I got to this point. Except for wondering why bad things health wise happen to people that are ambitious, happy, social and have dreams and hopes. I don't - I would have deserved something to happen. Of course, one day yes it will. Just not as soon as I was starting to believe. Has this given me the drive to become motivated and busy? No, but I'm faking being happier. I'm faking not being worried and pissed about the changes at work. "Change is good, it will all work out" I say. What I really want to say Change sucks and why fix what isn't broken. I pretend I'm not leery of learning something new. At the same time, I'm relieved that I won't have to change locations and have to deal with people that will immediately resent, if not dislike me as they feels they are superior for having posted to be out there. I don't even WANT to be out there so if that lil bitch thought she was all smug telling C she was going to be doing my job and I was to be upset, she can go fuck herself. I not only didn't want to work out there, I didn't want to have to commute or eventually move out there. I'm just not ready to. I like my little apartment where it is. Once I retire, I will likely bow to the pressure from Ash but for now, I don't. And besides, I want to move on my terms when I want.
When I stop working in Benefits, I will email the RTW people to let them know I have enjoyed working with them all. It is a sneaky way to try to connect with T and maybe he will respond. If I am lucky he will suggest we get together as there will not be a conflict any longer. Oh gawd, Jaci would have a fit as she really doesn't respect him. I just am so darn drawn to him it isn't funny. What if that happens? It would be great is what would happen.
Selfishly I'm enjoying my free Fridays. I've had doctor appointments and a wedding to get ready for (just wanted to clean up nicely for my daughters sake!) so this Friday is actually my first free one I've had since Mom went back to Regina. It is Thanksgiving weekend coming up and my sister isn't of course asking me for turkey dinner. She didn't last year and she wasn't even not talking to all of us last year. She is one twisted and odd doll. Somehow Gord finding a place for Mom has ruined their lives? She isn't talking to us because....??? We don't know. Don't really care all that much. Even when she wasn't mad I was tense when ever I had to spend time with her. I just found I can never trust her. Difficult and bad tempered. Don't need it.
Laters.
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