Me Bad

This is going to be hopefully the place where I feel okay with blurting out that stuff I cannot share. With anyone. But even so, I can never kid myself with believing it is 100% safe. You just never know what savvy techie person who knows someone wanting to snoop so things might be glossed over to some degree. Interestingly enough, this writing again is helping my crappy mood. Not as depressed about everything even though the essence of my existence is still void of any real happiness or joy.

What I'm going to write about will show that I am not a good person. I've grown selfish and bitter.

For the past five years I've been obligated to have to trek out to White Rock to visit Mom. L brought her out here to "help" her. Based on past history and dynamics, I was suspicious as to the real reason. At first, I thought it was so that she could show all the aunties how wonderful she is. She tried to tell me that I should go spend weekends out there. Um noooo. Then it became apparent that she would drop in for a half hour after work and told me she was glad I spent a day out there so she didn't have to. So the three of us other siblings see that they bought the condo for an investment only. Mom is now living under the stress of being well, evicted. I'm resentful of the trip most Fridays but L was quick to point out that I only work 4 days a week. Fuck off bitch. I should have asked her how she would feel being told to spend and hour and a half getting there and commuting 2 hours home each week. Good set up for her...she can once a month pick her up at 4 and take her home the next morning by 9:00 and be oh so wonderful to all the relatives.

I resented this as I had not say or choice. Mom is difficult in that she repeats the same stories over and over and gets information all mixed up. Trying to have a conversation is almost impossible and it makes me exhausted. As for trying to sort out fact from anxiety is even harder. L apparently phoned G, our brother, to complain that the condo is costing them and mom only pays her $600 /mth. Well, that was what she told mom to pay and refused to take more. Is she hinting for G to pay her some $$$?

Summary, I don't feel attachment to my mother and little for my siblings. G & K & I get along but there isn't any real closeness. I've spent my life being judged and criticized and it is still there. I'm not going to Sask this summer as I don't want to have to coordinate everything around what works for G to have Mom there. My friend A doesn't get it really as she had parents that she still misses. I guess I didn't have good parents. I had a father that was full of anger and hate and took it out on me. It was hard to drum up displays of appropriate emotion when he died. I stopped needing my mothers attention 15 years ago or more. K wanted to be done looking after her and thought it a marry idea that I move to Sask and live with her. So Mom could help me???  Sure. Right. All semblance of being my own person would have been taken. I would have forever remained 17 and having to report everything I did. And listen to all the snide comments about who I hung with and about what I did, wore, ate, etc.  I'd come home to soups and stews and too much heavy food.

Yes, I'm done. What makes me so choked is there is this great woman at work that has just been told she needs to go for a biopsy for a lump found on a mammogram. S is funny, nice, smart and just all around great to have around. She has a husband and a grown son that she adores and that love is returned fully. An A would like me to believe in God? no. What kind of God dishes out these inadequacies. An 84 yr old has past her expiration date and there is nothing in this world for her. Her kids aren't willing to take her on without complaint. And then S is young, active, has many friends and a family she is close to and gets hit with this?  You will have a very hard time convincing me there is a god. Selfishly, I've done nothing to deserve such an empty life. But this is what your "god" has dealt me.

There you have it. A summary of my wicked thoughts.

Oh, so yesterday, Mom said that G told her he will look for a place out there. If that is true, then good. But he has to be so pissed at L and maybe even me. The selfish devil on my should hopes this happens. If it does, then maybe, just maybe, wishes will come true for me. (I've been wanting something to happen so she goes back) .

And if this wish happens, then maybe??? Ya think???

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Realization: It isn't that Mom is so bad, it's that I live fearing I will end up just like her. It feels like I'm on the path. Alone, not really liking many people, not a lot of money to enjoy life, and not seeing anything much to look forward to. No one really seeks out my company except to need me for something. So my point is, that I believe it is my expiration date that has passed. This is why it is bothering me about S. If the cosmos was fair and equal, as much as it would suck, it would be me and not her getting bitch slapped by fate.

This doesn't mean I don't want her to move back to Regina. If I was a nice daughter I would say I will find a 2 bedroom together. no f'ing way.

Me still bad even with a couple degrees of clarity.

Out

For some reason, I put it out there. I told someone that I have a crush and even though I don't really trust her with my feelings, she seems to see that as I'm older, I understand what she is talking about with all her dating. I don't agree with the amount of sleeping around she is doing, but she is young and frankly, that is what young people do to try to learn what it is about themselves and what they need. She may not really like me but she sees that I'm not judging too harshly and am interested and frankly fascinated and a bit envious.

Does mean that saying it out loud, albeit not saying exactly who he is, that the wheels of fate are in motion? I rarely wish for anything for myself. Usually I'm just wanting people to stop taking pieces of me. Or don't mock me. But this, this wanting a specific, breathing, walking, talking male to show me some attention is new. Yes, in the past I've messed around on chat rooms and got "attention" that was flattering, but it has been a long time since I've coveted someone who is sorta around me. Flash back to the Y days and that crush on D. Holy hanna....me was bad as it was a crush for sure but I was married. That was the indicator that my marriage was on its death throws. I suspect D was gay anyways. There was speculation for sure, but I swear he liked me too. Suddenly the flirting stopped - I have a feeling A set him straight if he asked her about me. She was jealous I know so likely delighted in snapping that idea like a fragile twig.

Oh, I know there will be a catch so too speak. I've learned that there always is with these boys I think I want.  Once I know what it is, then I will have a better idea if it is a deal breaker or not for me. That is a list I need to write about to get it clearer in my head. And heart. I really need to learn what I need and want and then be brave enough to ask for it and if it isn't forthcoming, then end things but with class this time.

Just in case. You know, in case hope against hope that I have the opportunity to have to utilize them.

Lame But True

Fifty-nine fucking years old and I have a crush. It is such that if he did by some miracle ask me out that there would be zero hesitation on my part. No cute and coy. No unsure if I wanted him to ask me out or not. A quick and clear "I would like that". But I have to accept that my wishing won't make it happen and bottom line is, he very likely has no interest in me. As it was brought up in Sex In The City, so many years ago, he just isn't into you. It was pointed out that if a guy is interested he book you soon. I know this but it doesn't stop me from obsessing and trying to figure out a way to "run into" him again.

It's peripheral work relationship so it could be risky and if fates are looking out for me and not allowing things to brew, it could be just as well. Those same fates taunt me with things like, I find him really good looking and he is very friendly without being phoney. A bit of online sleuthing also told me he owns a very pretty cat. Be still my heart. A guy that I think is cute and he likes cats???

At this point I'm hoping against hope something will work when C goes on vacs and when T calls, it won't go to his voicemail. I might just have a chance.

He too is from Saskatchewan. The first time he met me he asked where I was from and when I said Regina, he goaded me and said "oh, the OTHER city" Cheek. And last summer it turns out we were both there at the same time.  He in Saskatoon and me in the Other City. So close, so far.

Please? Please cut me some slack here. I'm ready and wanting to be with someone. I want to get to know him at the very least. That is new for me. When I'm honest with myself I realize that had not good reasons to keep others in my life. I couldn't even have the guts to tell on to shove off early on even when there were lots of red flags. That I chose to ignore.

But I'm not attractive and not athletic or interesting. I never developed a career or got an education. Just did my best to work at jobs that didn't totally suck. It is likely too late.

Timing is everything. I have this feeling that 3 years ago or so, he was on the brink of pursuing something with me but because I was with Paul I didn't brazenly show my own interest. The kicker? I was at that time also realizing things were on a fast downward slide. Had I not been with him, I might have had that shot. Now however, I am so clear in my mind that I want a chance to get to know him.

Please??? Do I ask for much? So sick of just having nothing. Hate being like my mother. Alone and no one has time for me, nor can they be bothered with me. Unless I am doing something for them.

One shot. One piece of hope. A little bit of delight and happiness, even if just for a while.

Even if he turns out to be a shit.

I need, I want, I wish

Time alone has been good for me for one thing. It's enabled me to look at what it is that I really want. or rather, what I believe I want.  This doesn't mean I know how to get these things or that I believe in putting it out to the universe works.  Putting it out there without action behind it is merely false hope.

My problem is that  I'm not easily able to allow myself to hope and dream. My wishes get dashed or they go sideways. Gawd help me if I bother sharing with anyone. My words are either shot down, mocked or ignored.

But here it is. At this point this is what I want.

I want a good man in my life that loves me and wants to share his life with me. It is that simple. If I trusted that I was loved, everything would fall into place. Sure, differences and disagreements would be par for the course but if I trusted he genuinely loved me I wouldn't play it out as if this meant we were ending it.

He would let me be quiet when I needed and he would respect my privacy. Like wanting to read what I write. And not being choked when I wanted to talk on the phone privately.

He would want to go on small and big vacations with me. He would want to do a road trip to Sask with me. He would even be willing to make that trip with my kids.

He would be supportive of me and help me not be so fearful of everything and most people.

He would encourage and help me get my drivers licence.

I want a home with space and a garden. He wouldn't have to be interested in it but would  be proud of how great I would make it.

He wouldn't need to make a lot of money. Just enough so that when I retire, we would live fine.

Ideally, I'd like it if he said he would sooner have me happy not working than bringing in a pay cheque but bringing home unhappiness.

He would have a great sense of humour and would appreciate mine.

For my part I would try making good food regularly. I would be kind and not bitchy. If I snapped I would quickly apologize.

I would learn to find a way to be more honest about my feelings. Instead of waiting for him to bring up hard talks, I need to speak up. I need to learn that avoiding conflict is as bad as screaming all the time.

And we both wouldn't shy away from meeting and spending time with each others families.

So, now I know. I want a man in my life. The kicker is that deep down I know it will never happen. It just isn't in that cards for me. I'm just not a woman that has any appeal.

Which leads me to the question of how do I develop a happier life alone and accept that I'm not going to have what I want?  Ever. How do I accept a life of suddenly of not even any man in my life, but no friends at all. What happened? I'm politely accepted at work but not really wanted. I'm asked as part of a group but I always sense it is out of obligation and not really wanting me to join in. That Whistler weekend is a case in point. There was no encouragement to go when I said I didn't think I would. L lives in my neighbourhood and will give me a Saturday afternoon maybe twice a year. I had no idea until now that I was so unlikable.

Sinking here into invisibility and little purpose outside of my kids. How did I get here? Because I can't drive and people resent picking me up? I don't ask anyone ever. But thinks like Whistler leave me out because likely no one wanted to ride with me for 3 hours. To be honest, I didn't want to go as the thought of spending a whole weekend with people I can hardly wait to get away from during the week was unpalatable. To have to listen to that loud, pretentious laugh all weekend and no escape made me cringe. And their activities didn't appeal to me. Spa, dirt biking, etc.

But no friends outside of work is worse. Well Libby and Arlene but they live miles away. And lately Arlene annoys the hell outta me. Underneath that goodie goodie and her being super wife and mom and grandmother and bragging about her gardening and quilting irks me. I'm not going to go there this summer. Maybe in the fall, but not this summer.

The other reason I'm not going in August is I would be expected to plan my flights around Mom's. If Gord won't deal with her for more than a week, then he can talk to Linda about getting Mom to the airport and picked up. I want to plan my vacation when I am able to go, Not around 3 or 4 other peoples schedules. Watch Gord suggest Mom come back in the fall if I go then.

I guess it sounds like I don't like anyone much and that is likely why I've given up on people. No, it is me being rejected or used or criticized that led to me feeling this way.

It sure makes it difficult to making what I want happen. Most people meet people through friends and family. Besides dating sites which I won't do.

Is this it? Game over?

Geez.

Broken Doll

It has been so very long. Why did I stop writing?  I think I feared something happening to me and my stuff getting read so I deleted every post. Also I just lost my writing mojo.

Thinking back to the P days, he wanted to read my blog, and I didn't want to share it with him. It wasn't so much that I had things to hide from him, but that I knew he would criticize my grammar, spelling, sentence structure and everything I said. That was one of the first red flags that I needed to reconsider giving my time and energy to him. Are we supposed to share everything with our partners? If you do, and your fear they will mock or dismiss what you share happens, is that telling you they are wrong for you? Or is this not a deal breaker and merely one of those relationship issues to be worked on?

It all ended badly. Each was at fault. Although I do miss him I don't want him back. This is something that i wasn't expecting. Over is over. But, I never disliked him as I did D. I could not longer deal with his hoarding and his selfishness. That last new year we spent together cinched it for me. It was glaringly clear he had literally no room for me. I was compartmentalized as something he used as it suited him. After that I really withdrew and was relieved that he stopped calling me very often and when he did, he hinted to borrow money from me. Worse, he said maybe I should get a gun and then 2 days latter, phoned making light of that. He knew that I have known two people who took their own lives, and yet, he made light of this.  Was it selfish on my part to not want to share his money issues? After wasting my young adulthood with someone selfish and felt it was my job to help with the result of his stupid spending decisions; I could see that happening again and I got nervous.  It took him a year of not bothering to ask me down there and not calling before he wrote me to say fine... I get it and then gave me hell.  I withdrew and didn't even try to talk to him about how I was feeling. He was right to be hurt and angry about that. It was poor form on my part. But if he was able to be really honest with himself he would admit to his selfishness and his hoarding problem that made it a physically clear message that there was no room for me in his home. Bottom line, he was a pig and was oblivious to his terrible habits.

And yet now I find myself so lonely I could scream. It's not as if I suddenly flew into a crazy dating scene. Hardly. I don't get an ounce of male attention. An old broken doll. She had been once cute enough to be appealing and got roughly played with. Now there is no one who has a need for her so she sits in her corner, alone and confused as to why no one wants her.

A couple crushes but not reciprocated. Most days I feel invisible. If I didn't have the crushes I'd believe something was wrong with me.  What is wrong with me is I'm almost 60 fucking years old and I live in a city and modern society that only values youth. My brain has it set that if only I was pretty it wouldn't be this way. Pretty people have attention all the time. They can pick and choose. I could say if I had money that would bring them around too but I would have too also be smart and astute to eliminate those that only wanted me for money. I'd sooner be wanted because I was pretty. I just want to be wanted.

I have a feeling that I hung onto both D & P for far too long because I knew no one of value would want me. I was putting off this being alone for as long as I could. Yes, this is depressing and just so you know, all comments that are mean, hurtful and cruel will be ignored.  Your cowardness doesn't deserve a response.

This is going to be my only space to get this mess of feelings out. No one gets it and no one wants to hear it anyway.

My little granddaughter is another broken doll. So cute and funny and loves her Gam (me). She is turning 5 years old next Saturday and my heart breaks. She is non-verbal autistic. Funny, her and I click and communicate fairly easily anyways. Why did this happen to her and her parents? I give my daughter full credit for her perseverance and dedication to get A to a point that she will be going to kindergarten in regular school, albeit with an aid, in September.

There we are, one old, one young, dolls that society doesn't know how to deal with. So usually they get ignored. This old doll's highlight this weekend was when the young one was so excited to see me that she did a dance. A small thing for most, but it helped me forget my deep sense of being unwanted.