This is going to be hopefully the place where I feel okay with blurting out that stuff I cannot share. With anyone. But even so, I can never kid myself with believing it is 100% safe. You just never know what savvy techie person who knows someone wanting to snoop so things might be glossed over to some degree. Interestingly enough, this writing again is helping my crappy mood. Not as depressed about everything even though the essence of my existence is still void of any real happiness or joy.
What I'm going to write about will show that I am not a good person. I've grown selfish and bitter.
For the past five years I've been obligated to have to trek out to White Rock to visit Mom. L brought her out here to "help" her. Based on past history and dynamics, I was suspicious as to the real reason. At first, I thought it was so that she could show all the aunties how wonderful she is. She tried to tell me that I should go spend weekends out there. Um noooo. Then it became apparent that she would drop in for a half hour after work and told me she was glad I spent a day out there so she didn't have to. So the three of us other siblings see that they bought the condo for an investment only. Mom is now living under the stress of being well, evicted. I'm resentful of the trip most Fridays but L was quick to point out that I only work 4 days a week. Fuck off bitch. I should have asked her how she would feel being told to spend and hour and a half getting there and commuting 2 hours home each week. Good set up for her...she can once a month pick her up at 4 and take her home the next morning by 9:00 and be oh so wonderful to all the relatives.
I resented this as I had not say or choice. Mom is difficult in that she repeats the same stories over and over and gets information all mixed up. Trying to have a conversation is almost impossible and it makes me exhausted. As for trying to sort out fact from anxiety is even harder. L apparently phoned G, our brother, to complain that the condo is costing them and mom only pays her $600 /mth. Well, that was what she told mom to pay and refused to take more. Is she hinting for G to pay her some $$$?
Summary, I don't feel attachment to my mother and little for my siblings. G & K & I get along but there isn't any real closeness. I've spent my life being judged and criticized and it is still there. I'm not going to Sask this summer as I don't want to have to coordinate everything around what works for G to have Mom there. My friend A doesn't get it really as she had parents that she still misses. I guess I didn't have good parents. I had a father that was full of anger and hate and took it out on me. It was hard to drum up displays of appropriate emotion when he died. I stopped needing my mothers attention 15 years ago or more. K wanted to be done looking after her and thought it a marry idea that I move to Sask and live with her. So Mom could help me??? Sure. Right. All semblance of being my own person would have been taken. I would have forever remained 17 and having to report everything I did. And listen to all the snide comments about who I hung with and about what I did, wore, ate, etc. I'd come home to soups and stews and too much heavy food.
Yes, I'm done. What makes me so choked is there is this great woman at work that has just been told she needs to go for a biopsy for a lump found on a mammogram. S is funny, nice, smart and just all around great to have around. She has a husband and a grown son that she adores and that love is returned fully. An A would like me to believe in God? no. What kind of God dishes out these inadequacies. An 84 yr old has past her expiration date and there is nothing in this world for her. Her kids aren't willing to take her on without complaint. And then S is young, active, has many friends and a family she is close to and gets hit with this? You will have a very hard time convincing me there is a god. Selfishly, I've done nothing to deserve such an empty life. But this is what your "god" has dealt me.
There you have it. A summary of my wicked thoughts.
Oh, so yesterday, Mom said that G told her he will look for a place out there. If that is true, then good. But he has to be so pissed at L and maybe even me. The selfish devil on my should hopes this happens. If it does, then maybe, just maybe, wishes will come true for me. (I've been wanting something to happen so she goes back) .
And if this wish happens, then maybe??? Ya think???
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Realization: It isn't that Mom is so bad, it's that I live fearing I will end up just like her. It feels like I'm on the path. Alone, not really liking many people, not a lot of money to enjoy life, and not seeing anything much to look forward to. No one really seeks out my company except to need me for something. So my point is, that I believe it is my expiration date that has passed. This is why it is bothering me about S. If the cosmos was fair and equal, as much as it would suck, it would be me and not her getting bitch slapped by fate.
This doesn't mean I don't want her to move back to Regina. If I was a nice daughter I would say I will find a 2 bedroom together. no f'ing way.
Me still bad even with a couple degrees of clarity.
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