And your point is?

I have this sense of something about to happen. A shift. I've had this before, but it was usually a strong sense of dread. This is different.

Or maybe i'm so obsessed about T that I'm reacting like something has already start. Knock it off and get real.

The reality is, if he is so great, why is he single? Well if he is. What is making me nuts is the fact I'm not this strongly drawn to many men. So I suppose this is tricking me into believing he is one I must have. Lets face it, I'm pretty lonely and starved for male attention so that make me easy pickings for my heart. Not as easily as when I was younger though. Strong caution and even though I want T's attention, I won't hesitate to tell him this isn't working for me if he shows red flags of selfishness, arrogance, untruthful, quick tempered or sulky and takes out his issues on me. No more - ever.  There is an ease in which we talk that I just can't help but know there is something there.

Mom will be at my place for 2 weeks and I'm glad I can help her but oh my gawd. I'm going to be glad to go to work. She means well, but that non stop jibber jabber is nerve wracking. But her nerves are shot thanks to L rushing her packing and on top of it...took rent for August! She isn't even going to  be there. That is your 83 year old mother you fusing bitch. So done with her and any of the relatives that think she is wonderful. Please move before Christmas. PLEASE????? And if she thinks I would plan anything for her leaving, think again. And I won't be going to the island or where ever they end up nor will I phone. They are carrying on like Gord finding a place for her has upset their cart. No, they were going to do this anyway and now they think they don't stink for forcing her to move. Telling everyone they supported her and are so broke. Oh please. But this taking money from mom and making her packing up harder than it had to be has pushed me over. My silence will make her squirm as she will know not one of her siblings is on her side. I tried. I believed she was becoming human. Nope. It was all a manipulation. She knew what they were going to pull.

So them gone, my Friday's free - woo hoo! First order is organization of this apartment. Find storage solutions and toss stuff. Make Trev take that TV and get some new drapes for the window. Fabric storage - cube shelves. Ikea storage and tv stand. but just ridding of things is a big job. No car so it is many trips on foot. I need to get rid of that computer chair and stand and have Trev take the monitor, keyboard and printer. I'll have my life back.

But unless I get T or someone as good in my life, it will an empty one.

Fear: I will at the end of my days realize that I wasn't good enough to be really loved by a good man. Merely used as long as I gave them what they wanted. That is not okay. If all I have is 5 to 10 years with someone great, that will make me content.

Otherwise, there must me no point to my life. What if that really is the case?

Fuck.

Still Stuck In Want & in Time

Three days in with the hopeful opportunity that T will call. And nothing, He could be on vacation. Yet usually there would be some email to the reps that his caseload was being covered. There is of course, some hope but I'm not all that optimistic. I'm better than I was when I was younger as back then I know I would have skirted around and around and made my presence known until he suggested getting together. Now I'm not as 1) I'm not confident in my appearance regardless of what I do with hair and make up 2) He could be seeing someone regularly and 3) I just want to be sure he is interested by him making a clear move that leads to him asking me out. Leave it to fate? To a point. I just need to pay attention to opportunities but not create them. I really do believe back when we first met that he was interested. I couldn't follow up on anything as I was seeing P. Then I think he just moved on and dated and forgot about me. Almost. I do think there is some degree of interest but just not as much as I have. Unless he hides it and just isn't acting on it as it could be a bit of a conflict. Please? If there is such a thing as a guardian angle, please guide him right to my path. I am oh so ready.

I guess L has Mum's stuff more or less packed and she will be coming to stay at my place on Saturday. I think she got the moving truck to come early so that their vacation wouldn't be disrupted. And bonus for her, she gets to tell the aunties how she did it all and Audrey oh, helped a little bit. Did I not make it clear that I could do it this weekend? All of it. She has to show how much superior she is. Please guardian angel....have their house and condo sell right away so they move away so I won't have to deal with her. I want to get out of Christmas there this year a d next year I think I'm going to go to Regina for Christmas. If they are moved away by December this year I won't have to. Otherwise I will have to stomach it one more time.

My vacation starts August 14th and I will have my time to myself. Bliss. Libby will be here and I want to ask Ashleigh or Trevor to take me to Target for cubbie shelves. I need to take the cat to the vet and get my hair cut. I need/want to start some exercise regeim so I look a bit better for the wedding I'm going to. But I want me time as well. Go to Seattle to fabric shop? I need to get my passport renewed but first I need BCID renewed. I should check out summer sales for shoes and clothes as Im wanting to go on a cruise or at least go to Mexico in March.

Yeah, planning a nice 60th birthday gift to myself. Why? I'm an old doll of 60 and no one else will make a big deal. friction' 60. Can you believe it?

Oh gawd, maybe I should forget my fantasy, as that is what it mostly is, about T. I'm old :(. Once that happens, its game over unless you are a woman with a lucridouv business or career (=money) and could be considered appealing physically. I'm neither. Why am I not blessed with looks or brains or even street smarts? They say everyone has a gift but I don't really believe that. If I participated in things I am interested in, perhaps the options would widen but even then, doubtful if you aren't pretty.

Possible things to take:

buy a camera and take photography lessons
buy a bike and learn to take a ride first around here, then venture further out. (and, T rides so I would have a reason to call him or just mention I got a bike....broad hint hint!
Take a voice over course
Take drawing/painting courses

Just things I'm interested in anyways.

Funny....same things as when I was 16/17 years old. Arty things and boys. Nothing changes.

Well, except cynicism. I've gotten pro at that.

Wishes Becoming Reality

Could it be possible that wishing can make it so? Or will it end up to be be careful of what you wish for as you may get it?

Mom IS moving back to Regina and it is stressful keeping her anxiety and upset at a low level but impossible when L plays her nasty selfish games all the while saying poor her. She is making it harder than it needs to be as she made it clear packing boxes can be around as they are showing the suite on Saturdays. Really? Yet in the next breathe you are saying that they deserve to get away. Um, she can fuck off if she thinks she can screw this up. I could be wrong but I think she grew more agitated as I kept saying no problem - I can pack her up and she can stay with me the last week before she goes if she has too. Frickin' bitch. She just doesn't see that we don't want much to do with her as she is so twisted. I realized that she talks in circles to avoid a direct answer and I come away rather confused. Within 24 hours of G phoning her to say he found a place for Mom, they put the condo AND their house on the market. They couldnt wait 3 tricking weeks to avoid extra stress on an 83 year old woman? No wonder that wonder Mom is upset and stressed and confused about dates. Now I am wondering if Linda started planting the seeds of Mom's apparent dementia symptoms so that she had someone in agreement that something needs to be done. My hunch that their whole motive was to use her as an investment renter but then learned mom is needing a lot of attention from people she knows. Had she bothered to ask me, I could have told her that. But she wouldn't have listened to me and in fact, would have used my opinion to fuel relatives negative opinion of me and to increase her own value. Sad, but even though they used to be favoured aunts and uncles, she succeeded in making them dislike me and value her. Know what? screw em. They can't be bothering to even drop me an email yet they listen to only her. Screw em. They don't bother contacting us other three as though we are useless and just mean to poor L. Yes, I am looking forward to having my time back but strangely a bit sad too. Hey, she isn't a bad woman. Just needy and clingy and can out guilt any jewish mama. I have to force myself to not burst out laughing when her voice gets all high and harsh and gets all "oh poor us, we work so hard and do soooooooo much, blah blah" Right... a million $$$ of property for sale and I'm to give you sympathy? Uh no.

Other wish. Well......:) . Well, no nothing as great as him contacting me on some ruse or even to admit he would like to get together but... Today, at work, a member called about an issue with her file and when she said T was someone she had talked to I realized I could include him in the email message to   my rep. Ruse on my part? In a way. But it appeared legit - basically I was giving him a heads up this potentially volatile person would be calling him. It didn't take long and he emailed me back saying he spoke to her and explained more of the situation to me. Well, okay and the rep. I emailed back thanking him for the info as it would help me if she called me again. I thought that would be the end. Nope. I got an email to that with a very nice, "thank you Audrey, you're very welcome". Not anything you say? No. It's a little something. He is not the sort to thank everyone for polite emails as I know he has butted heads with J and she said he can get really a bit grrrrrrrr. Yet I'm crushing so bad I think everything about him that I know - wonderful. Please let it be possible that he is interested / curious about me but doesn't know if he should push it or if it is even not a conflict. I just really really like him. And I'm watching for all opportunities to contact him without being obviously stalking him. Hey pal, you should consider yourself lucky - I don't stalk just anyone! Please, please, please have him make an initiative move. Fingers crossed starting next week when C is off that he calls and I get to talk with him. Please???

What if something does perk. I will have to forever from this point on, be very careful for what I wish and want. Maybe there is a power in wishful thinking. Maybe if it is a strong wish over a period of time that it works? Maybe if the same desire is there for a long time and deeply felt there is a stronghold and it starts to happen.

Thing is, as much as I would love it if he asked me out, it has to be his initiative. That is the only way I will know he is truly interested and not being merely polite and a bit curious. No, I need to know he is feeling similar notes of attraction as I do.

Fingers crossed. The next 3 weeks will be telling on both these issues. Hey, I could be sorrily disappointed and T not call once on anything. Timing could be he is on vaca. Could be L manages to manipulate things so that the moving truck doesn't pick up until half way through my vacs and she delights in wrecking my vacation with me packing it up.

Not negative, just realistic. Things haven't ever gone my way before, why would they now? Still, I'm taking the possibility of something new and exciting and wonderful starting with me to bed at night.

Pun intended :)

Oops I'm Doing It Again

I'm such a child. Still locked into being 17 years old and hoping against false hope T will go to the Show & Shine here as they are having a Bike and Shine as well. Just because he rides a bicycle doesn't mean he would be interested in coming to New West when he could be at some cool Vancouver beach or on a bike ride in the mountains or islands. I'm going to head down the hill anyways. Besides there might be someone else that is interested in me. oh gawd, sure. Right.

I'm a bit delirious as one hope has come true. Mom is going back to Sask. Being the shitty daughter that I am, I am relieved. It is exhausting to never be able to make her happy. What she wanted from me was almost 7 day a week attention. Hints to live with me, complaints that I'm so busy. Uh no, I don't drive so errands, seeing my kids, and every Friday for her didn't leave me much time to just be. It's insane as the part of me working is left out. It gets negated by most as its not a career, I don't talk about it much, and oh,,,"you only work 4 days a week". Try being expected to produce and manage a 5 day work load in four. I'm sorry but I'm glad.

Oddly, I'm having a twinge of sadness but not as much as I should. I'll have my life back and can go see Ashleigh on Fridays if I want. I can make medical appointments easier and gee, I can go downtown to just enjoy it for a change of scenery. Guilt isn't a good emotion but it is real.

I hope G isn't pissed at me and thinks I should have done more. But what? Naw, I don't think he is.

A small to look forward to going to something in my neighbourhood but I am. However, I have a feeling that the reality is that I will quickly be out of place not being with anyone. Like anything else lately that I've tried to go to enjoy, I'm flat-out out of cinq and don't fit.

Keep trying until it does?

Who knows, maybe my quota of wishes coming true isn't used up and he will be there.

...and monkeys will fly out my ass....

Damn same crap.

It sounds like G & K are working to get Mom back to Regina. Problem is, I don't think Mom is fully aware. She doesn't know if or when her flight to go visit is booked, and even says it might have to be on hold so "she can pack".

And guess who is in the middle trying to figure out what is fact and what is planning stage. Yet Gord doesn't call me and I don't think Linda is aware.

Is mom getting last year all mixed up with this year and L & J aren't moving to the Island? Or are they secretive until all their plans are in place to say Mom has to go. Small hints but how much is Mom getting mixed up.

All I know is my life isn't my own and I don't fit in anywhere. Maybe once this mess is sorted out I'll have some luck in finding a way to enjoy some aspects of my life.

Perhaps I should have bitten the bullet and gone to Whistler but frankly, I sensed I was merely asked to be polite. They really didn't want me to go. Who would have been stuck in a car with Audrey for 3 hours there and then back. It was a situation in which I was damned if I did or didn't.

I'm hoping but not obsessing that there will be a shot with T when C is away. Surely he will have to phone Shelly (hopefully she will be able to cover) but with email there isn't much chance. Unless he wants to hope to talk to me. I realize now, that he did that before. Damn timing being off.

All I want is some shred of hope. Few friends - 2 live far away and the other doesn't seem to want to talk to me much less get together with me. No man in my life and not likely to get one now. Aging has made me even less attractive and I never was pretty. Work is boring but it is a decent pay cheque for the next 5 plus years. The people I work with are associates, not friends. One person I thought was okay i now a turncoat. She suddenly seems to not only go along with M's antics, but almost is defensive of her. She seems to not want to talk to me anymore. Phoney. As for family, I'm degrees removed from them too.

I wonder what I do that is so freakin' bad that no one wants me around. Except when they need a piece of me. If I am not doing something for someone, they can't be bothered.

I'm going to go see Maxine again as it helped but yet, nothing she predicted happened. No guy came into my life. She was a nice person and I enjoyed her. Maybe when I'm on vacation. If I have any damn time to myself as I'm supposed to get the movers in order from this end. I don't have a fob key and will have to ask Linda for one. She won't like it. SHE has to have total control good, bad or otherwise.

Sigh. It's summer and I should be enjoying myself but nope. Not at all. Same stuff, same routine as winter.

Something has to give.

What should I have been when I grew up?

It's just not easy to shake this feeling of worthlessness. Harder is to believe in any hope of real happiness in the further. Not now. It's too late. Had I made different choices and had some luck on my side it would have been different now. Had I had a man in my life that loved me and I felt safe in his love, I wouldn't be feeling now that I must me one of the most undesirable women in Vancouver. Even if I had been widowed and grieved his loss, at least I would have had the knowledge that at some point I was genuinely wanted by someone.

Now at almost 60 I need to accept that my life must have been meant for something else. Not what I thought it would be or what I wanted, but something else. But what? What on earth should I have taken?

Now I'm facing in five short years or so, no employment and even more aloneness than now. Great.

Best not write more as this is plummeting my mood down into even deeper mud.

I've fallen into that stupid trap of obsessing and fantasizing different scenarios if he did try to connect with me. I'm hoping that there will be a chance when C goes on vacation as I told him he should leave his message machine off. Yes, there will be more calls but there would be a chance to talk to T if he calls about a case. I can hope but I think I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Fate might work out for me but it always seems I have to try too darn hard or timing is ever so slightly off. I swore that if I ever liked someone again that they would have to do the chasing. If I do subtle or not so subtle things to show interest, he may be merely intrigued and curious but not necessarily attracted. I really would like for once to be the woman that a man seeks out when he gets up the courage. All I can think to do is to be friendly and happy to talk to him and hope.

I can't believe he is single. Is there something about him that is really not good? I sure don't see it. Quite the opposite. I am seriously attracted to him and just find him pleasant. Lets not forget he has a cat. I don't think he has a girlfriend as Tuesday was a holiday and his Facebook page indicated he wasn't with anyone - just chill in' with his godson is what it said. It was a nice day, so if he had a girlfriend, I'm sure he would have taken a bike ride or done something. Of course, he should have later in the day so I can't get hopes up.

He seems more tangible than before. Oh please powers that be. Give me a shot with this guy. Please have him be as interested in me as I am in him. Please let us see and if it doesn't go anywhere, then at least I know I'm not dead inside like I was starting to fear I was.

At the same time, getting older so fast is scary. I do not want to be with someone out of dreading remaining alone forever like mom. I want to be with someone because for both of us we can't imagine anything different.