It's just not easy to shake this feeling of worthlessness. Harder is to believe in any hope of real happiness in the further. Not now. It's too late. Had I made different choices and had some luck on my side it would have been different now. Had I had a man in my life that loved me and I felt safe in his love, I wouldn't be feeling now that I must me one of the most undesirable women in Vancouver. Even if I had been widowed and grieved his loss, at least I would have had the knowledge that at some point I was genuinely wanted by someone.
Now at almost 60 I need to accept that my life must have been meant for something else. Not what I thought it would be or what I wanted, but something else. But what? What on earth should I have taken?
Now I'm facing in five short years or so, no employment and even more aloneness than now. Great.
Best not write more as this is plummeting my mood down into even deeper mud.
I've fallen into that stupid trap of obsessing and fantasizing different scenarios if he did try to connect with me. I'm hoping that there will be a chance when C goes on vacation as I told him he should leave his message machine off. Yes, there will be more calls but there would be a chance to talk to T if he calls about a case. I can hope but I think I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Fate might work out for me but it always seems I have to try too darn hard or timing is ever so slightly off. I swore that if I ever liked someone again that they would have to do the chasing. If I do subtle or not so subtle things to show interest, he may be merely intrigued and curious but not necessarily attracted. I really would like for once to be the woman that a man seeks out when he gets up the courage. All I can think to do is to be friendly and happy to talk to him and hope.
I can't believe he is single. Is there something about him that is really not good? I sure don't see it. Quite the opposite. I am seriously attracted to him and just find him pleasant. Lets not forget he has a cat. I don't think he has a girlfriend as Tuesday was a holiday and his Facebook page indicated he wasn't with anyone - just chill in' with his godson is what it said. It was a nice day, so if he had a girlfriend, I'm sure he would have taken a bike ride or done something. Of course, he should have later in the day so I can't get hopes up.
He seems more tangible than before. Oh please powers that be. Give me a shot with this guy. Please have him be as interested in me as I am in him. Please let us see and if it doesn't go anywhere, then at least I know I'm not dead inside like I was starting to fear I was.
At the same time, getting older so fast is scary. I do not want to be with someone out of dreading remaining alone forever like mom. I want to be with someone because for both of us we can't imagine anything different.
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