Out

For some reason, I put it out there. I told someone that I have a crush and even though I don't really trust her with my feelings, she seems to see that as I'm older, I understand what she is talking about with all her dating. I don't agree with the amount of sleeping around she is doing, but she is young and frankly, that is what young people do to try to learn what it is about themselves and what they need. She may not really like me but she sees that I'm not judging too harshly and am interested and frankly fascinated and a bit envious.

Does mean that saying it out loud, albeit not saying exactly who he is, that the wheels of fate are in motion? I rarely wish for anything for myself. Usually I'm just wanting people to stop taking pieces of me. Or don't mock me. But this, this wanting a specific, breathing, walking, talking male to show me some attention is new. Yes, in the past I've messed around on chat rooms and got "attention" that was flattering, but it has been a long time since I've coveted someone who is sorta around me. Flash back to the Y days and that crush on D. Holy hanna....me was bad as it was a crush for sure but I was married. That was the indicator that my marriage was on its death throws. I suspect D was gay anyways. There was speculation for sure, but I swear he liked me too. Suddenly the flirting stopped - I have a feeling A set him straight if he asked her about me. She was jealous I know so likely delighted in snapping that idea like a fragile twig.

Oh, I know there will be a catch so too speak. I've learned that there always is with these boys I think I want.  Once I know what it is, then I will have a better idea if it is a deal breaker or not for me. That is a list I need to write about to get it clearer in my head. And heart. I really need to learn what I need and want and then be brave enough to ask for it and if it isn't forthcoming, then end things but with class this time.

Just in case. You know, in case hope against hope that I have the opportunity to have to utilize them.