Today I wasn't as tired and the fog in my head stayed away. But a degree of discouragement, disappointment and depression is a lingering pain in the ass.
Am I deep down worried that something really is wrong with me? Actually, not really. I'll of course follow through with the dr appointments and any tests they may want to do but honestly? I really think it is related to being pre diabetic most likely and depression. My life is void of much to look forward to and I have little control over the direction it takes. Most of all, I'm disappointed at the daily reminder of being alone and likely always will be. My mistake was assuming someone would enter my life that would want me equally as I want him. But once you are over 55, you HAVE to have either money or looks and preferably both. It's assumed I have nothing to offer because I'm not pretty. No chances - game over for good.
Money could not become a real problem if I decide to work out in the valley and commute. What about my doctors, dentists and other medical? As it is, every Friday is being taken up with some appointment somewhere and eye doctor and dentist are bugging me too. Mind you, it's not as if I have plans with friends. What friends. I've gone to having many and always making more to a few who live miles away and one local that can't even be bothered answering a text. Again, what have I become that I'm not wanted around unless I do something for someone. If it turns out nothing is seriously wrong with me, it will be coping with new work environment and for a few months of commuting until I buy something. I'm sure I could buy something out there and I hope I can make Ashleigh understand why it is important that I have my own space. No matter how nice a place it could be, it will feel theirs and I'm only borrowing the space.
But if it turns out I will have a battle on my hands, well, best I be off work now for a while than dealing with a new work environment or same work site but new job. If I have to be off, and it looks like I will be back at work in a few months that will be challenging. So would a different job. Fuck these assholes for making this change. Forcing me into changing my life to suit their stupid plans. All because they don't have enough space. Oh, they do, they just don't know how to distribute it.
Maybe a few months off would be okay. As long as I'm not so sick I can't move from here much less organize my life. Time to just be home.
I just wish I could retire next year. That would be exactly what I would do. If I stayed here, and worked part time somewhere, I might be able to do it. If I could make an extra $1000 working part time, I might be able to do it. What about working 2 different retail jobs? Save On and London Drugs? Work 25 hrs a week might do it. Hmmmmm. Maybe this would be better but my benefits...I can't lose those. Better would be to go on LTD for as long as I can as I would get 75% of my salary. If I could do that for a few years...hard to do but not impossible. Even if I was off for a year? Oh gawd, I don't want that. Nope. I doubt I'm ill anyways.
I'm bored and lonely. And that is making me sick at heart.
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