Rag doll

I've been back at work for 3 weeks and the benefits of time off have worn off. Not only that, my delight at having Fridays free isn't going all that great. Dr. appointments and dentists wanting my money some more.

Im going to have to make a decision at work. Apparently they are planning to move Benefits out to the Langley office. My options are: stay in current location but do a different job, keep current job and commute or commute for a while but eventually move. There are drawbacks to every choice and it pisses me off that my life gets messed with by a whim by others that don't know or give a shit about me. I don't want to move as I like my apartment. I'm sick of moving because of circumstances and not because it feels right.

But here's the thing....my doctor called me back about the blood work and now have to go for an ultrasound to see if something is amiss in some ab organ. I went through this before and it ended up not being anything or they figured it was due to an antibiotic I took. The difference last time was I felt sick and had side pain. This time all I am is tired. All. The. Time. I didn't realize that until the results of that blood work. The fatigue started the last week I was on vacation and I put it down to just being lazy. When I got back to work, every day was exhausting but I put it down to boredom and then stress of change coming. If I'm ill, this will also impact what I decide to do. Returning to work after being ill is hard - harder if it is a different job. But commuting??? gawd.

Now I have thoughts running in my head that I am going to be really sick and can't plan anything. Except to get things in order. Okay I'm not overly worried and I tend to prepare for worse case scenarios so I don't get sidelined.

If I get ill, this will devastate my kids and my mother. Oh, Karen and Gord will care but really, no one else will give a shit. See what happens when you can't find a life partner? You have to deal and cope all the worst things alone. I'm trying to keep some semblance of order and clean in here just in case. Why? Because I don't want any one coming over to visit or offer help and see it in a bad state. Actually, I don't want anyone coming over period.  And, I just would like to live neater anyways.  Friday is the ultrasound, and follow up next Friday for results.  Then we'll see.

I feel like a rag doll. Old, worn out - perhaps once a favoured toy but now serves no purpose so is there taking up space.

It could be that my fatigue is due to depression. Depression that I have been hiding and denying for a long time. My head feels like it has cotton batten in it most of the day. Once afternoon hits, whether at home or at work, I just don't want to do anything. Just watch TV and play Candy Crush. The plan to take painting and drawing - out the window.  There is so much distrust at work, at least from my end that I would love to be able to tell them to shove it in March and retire. Then I get all resentful that I can't because I won't have enough pension or a partner to tell me to just retire - I've done my time.  I so regret not having someone in my life. I resent copying my mothers life. She was widowed at 42 - I was divorced at 42. I kept Paul in my life longer than I knew I should have as I didn't want to  repeat her. But clearly, I was not meant to have someone. Was I born unappealing and it would have been more odd that I did marry for love and life? I just don't understand what I've done that is so bad that no man will ever want me. Interestingly enough, there is even an assumption  on my daughter's part and others that I won't have anyone. Presuming that when I retire I will be in a position to move into a bigger house with them. (she wants me to bank roll of course). Not even a thought of gee, what if mom met someone. I guess once your kids see you as a reject to the opposite sex then you are definite over.

Maybe it is just timely that this old rag doll checks out anyways. Honestly...who after a bit of time will give a damn anyways? No one tries to make plans with me. They always have other things to do with other people or just don't respond to my text or phone message. Sometimes I feel that I am not much more than a baby sitter for Ashleigh and a possible money lender to Trevor. Take that away and I serve very little purpose. I'm so afraid to end up where their interactions are merely obligatory.

Yup. A useless ragdoll. A bitter one at that....