Every ache, every off bowel movement and every ounce of tired makes me worry. This has to stop. I had the ultra sound on Friday and I hope I'm wrong but I could swear the technician looked sad when I left. Did he see something? I didn't ask. I only want to hear it from my own doctor.
I won't know more until Oct 3rd. I didn't make an appointment this Friday as my regular doctor isn't in and even though her partner is just as great, I just don't know about seeing a different doctor about this stuff. And Jodie's wedding is Saturday and it best I not know anything until after.
What if it is awful news? Then first thing is to get POA set up and get information about work life insurance, etc for Ashleigh. Friday I'm going to take another pile to Sal Army. Clear out as much stuff as possible.
What if all I need is a new mattress? I wake up with such a sore back then it gets better as the day goes on. Another pile of money I need to spend.
No, I'm going to stay in my current work location. There is more I do know and I have a feeling my job as it is will not be as pleasant and will change. If it does, Jaci will post out and Shelly won't commute that far. Chris is retiring in a little over a year so....
So much depends upon what labs results show and if I really do have something off.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
just pathetic in my loneliness
Today I wasn't as tired and the fog in my head stayed away. But a degree of discouragement, disappointment and depression is a lingering pain in the ass.
Am I deep down worried that something really is wrong with me? Actually, not really. I'll of course follow through with the dr appointments and any tests they may want to do but honestly? I really think it is related to being pre diabetic most likely and depression. My life is void of much to look forward to and I have little control over the direction it takes. Most of all, I'm disappointed at the daily reminder of being alone and likely always will be. My mistake was assuming someone would enter my life that would want me equally as I want him. But once you are over 55, you HAVE to have either money or looks and preferably both. It's assumed I have nothing to offer because I'm not pretty. No chances - game over for good.
Money could not become a real problem if I decide to work out in the valley and commute. What about my doctors, dentists and other medical? As it is, every Friday is being taken up with some appointment somewhere and eye doctor and dentist are bugging me too. Mind you, it's not as if I have plans with friends. What friends. I've gone to having many and always making more to a few who live miles away and one local that can't even be bothered answering a text. Again, what have I become that I'm not wanted around unless I do something for someone. If it turns out nothing is seriously wrong with me, it will be coping with new work environment and for a few months of commuting until I buy something. I'm sure I could buy something out there and I hope I can make Ashleigh understand why it is important that I have my own space. No matter how nice a place it could be, it will feel theirs and I'm only borrowing the space.
But if it turns out I will have a battle on my hands, well, best I be off work now for a while than dealing with a new work environment or same work site but new job. If I have to be off, and it looks like I will be back at work in a few months that will be challenging. So would a different job. Fuck these assholes for making this change. Forcing me into changing my life to suit their stupid plans. All because they don't have enough space. Oh, they do, they just don't know how to distribute it.
Maybe a few months off would be okay. As long as I'm not so sick I can't move from here much less organize my life. Time to just be home.
I just wish I could retire next year. That would be exactly what I would do. If I stayed here, and worked part time somewhere, I might be able to do it. If I could make an extra $1000 working part time, I might be able to do it. What about working 2 different retail jobs? Save On and London Drugs? Work 25 hrs a week might do it. Hmmmmm. Maybe this would be better but my benefits...I can't lose those. Better would be to go on LTD for as long as I can as I would get 75% of my salary. If I could do that for a few years...hard to do but not impossible. Even if I was off for a year? Oh gawd, I don't want that. Nope. I doubt I'm ill anyways.
I'm bored and lonely. And that is making me sick at heart.
Am I deep down worried that something really is wrong with me? Actually, not really. I'll of course follow through with the dr appointments and any tests they may want to do but honestly? I really think it is related to being pre diabetic most likely and depression. My life is void of much to look forward to and I have little control over the direction it takes. Most of all, I'm disappointed at the daily reminder of being alone and likely always will be. My mistake was assuming someone would enter my life that would want me equally as I want him. But once you are over 55, you HAVE to have either money or looks and preferably both. It's assumed I have nothing to offer because I'm not pretty. No chances - game over for good.
Money could not become a real problem if I decide to work out in the valley and commute. What about my doctors, dentists and other medical? As it is, every Friday is being taken up with some appointment somewhere and eye doctor and dentist are bugging me too. Mind you, it's not as if I have plans with friends. What friends. I've gone to having many and always making more to a few who live miles away and one local that can't even be bothered answering a text. Again, what have I become that I'm not wanted around unless I do something for someone. If it turns out nothing is seriously wrong with me, it will be coping with new work environment and for a few months of commuting until I buy something. I'm sure I could buy something out there and I hope I can make Ashleigh understand why it is important that I have my own space. No matter how nice a place it could be, it will feel theirs and I'm only borrowing the space.
But if it turns out I will have a battle on my hands, well, best I be off work now for a while than dealing with a new work environment or same work site but new job. If I have to be off, and it looks like I will be back at work in a few months that will be challenging. So would a different job. Fuck these assholes for making this change. Forcing me into changing my life to suit their stupid plans. All because they don't have enough space. Oh, they do, they just don't know how to distribute it.
Maybe a few months off would be okay. As long as I'm not so sick I can't move from here much less organize my life. Time to just be home.
I just wish I could retire next year. That would be exactly what I would do. If I stayed here, and worked part time somewhere, I might be able to do it. If I could make an extra $1000 working part time, I might be able to do it. What about working 2 different retail jobs? Save On and London Drugs? Work 25 hrs a week might do it. Hmmmmm. Maybe this would be better but my benefits...I can't lose those. Better would be to go on LTD for as long as I can as I would get 75% of my salary. If I could do that for a few years...hard to do but not impossible. Even if I was off for a year? Oh gawd, I don't want that. Nope. I doubt I'm ill anyways.
I'm bored and lonely. And that is making me sick at heart.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
Rag doll
I've been back at work for 3 weeks and the benefits of time off have worn off. Not only that, my delight at having Fridays free isn't going all that great. Dr. appointments and dentists wanting my money some more.
Im going to have to make a decision at work. Apparently they are planning to move Benefits out to the Langley office. My options are: stay in current location but do a different job, keep current job and commute or commute for a while but eventually move. There are drawbacks to every choice and it pisses me off that my life gets messed with by a whim by others that don't know or give a shit about me. I don't want to move as I like my apartment. I'm sick of moving because of circumstances and not because it feels right.
But here's the thing....my doctor called me back about the blood work and now have to go for an ultrasound to see if something is amiss in some ab organ. I went through this before and it ended up not being anything or they figured it was due to an antibiotic I took. The difference last time was I felt sick and had side pain. This time all I am is tired. All. The. Time. I didn't realize that until the results of that blood work. The fatigue started the last week I was on vacation and I put it down to just being lazy. When I got back to work, every day was exhausting but I put it down to boredom and then stress of change coming. If I'm ill, this will also impact what I decide to do. Returning to work after being ill is hard - harder if it is a different job. But commuting??? gawd.
Now I have thoughts running in my head that I am going to be really sick and can't plan anything. Except to get things in order. Okay I'm not overly worried and I tend to prepare for worse case scenarios so I don't get sidelined.
If I get ill, this will devastate my kids and my mother. Oh, Karen and Gord will care but really, no one else will give a shit. See what happens when you can't find a life partner? You have to deal and cope all the worst things alone. I'm trying to keep some semblance of order and clean in here just in case. Why? Because I don't want any one coming over to visit or offer help and see it in a bad state. Actually, I don't want anyone coming over period. And, I just would like to live neater anyways. Friday is the ultrasound, and follow up next Friday for results. Then we'll see.
I feel like a rag doll. Old, worn out - perhaps once a favoured toy but now serves no purpose so is there taking up space.
It could be that my fatigue is due to depression. Depression that I have been hiding and denying for a long time. My head feels like it has cotton batten in it most of the day. Once afternoon hits, whether at home or at work, I just don't want to do anything. Just watch TV and play Candy Crush. The plan to take painting and drawing - out the window. There is so much distrust at work, at least from my end that I would love to be able to tell them to shove it in March and retire. Then I get all resentful that I can't because I won't have enough pension or a partner to tell me to just retire - I've done my time. I so regret not having someone in my life. I resent copying my mothers life. She was widowed at 42 - I was divorced at 42. I kept Paul in my life longer than I knew I should have as I didn't want to repeat her. But clearly, I was not meant to have someone. Was I born unappealing and it would have been more odd that I did marry for love and life? I just don't understand what I've done that is so bad that no man will ever want me. Interestingly enough, there is even an assumption on my daughter's part and others that I won't have anyone. Presuming that when I retire I will be in a position to move into a bigger house with them. (she wants me to bank roll of course). Not even a thought of gee, what if mom met someone. I guess once your kids see you as a reject to the opposite sex then you are definite over.
Maybe it is just timely that this old rag doll checks out anyways. Honestly...who after a bit of time will give a damn anyways? No one tries to make plans with me. They always have other things to do with other people or just don't respond to my text or phone message. Sometimes I feel that I am not much more than a baby sitter for Ashleigh and a possible money lender to Trevor. Take that away and I serve very little purpose. I'm so afraid to end up where their interactions are merely obligatory.
Yup. A useless ragdoll. A bitter one at that....
Im going to have to make a decision at work. Apparently they are planning to move Benefits out to the Langley office. My options are: stay in current location but do a different job, keep current job and commute or commute for a while but eventually move. There are drawbacks to every choice and it pisses me off that my life gets messed with by a whim by others that don't know or give a shit about me. I don't want to move as I like my apartment. I'm sick of moving because of circumstances and not because it feels right.
But here's the thing....my doctor called me back about the blood work and now have to go for an ultrasound to see if something is amiss in some ab organ. I went through this before and it ended up not being anything or they figured it was due to an antibiotic I took. The difference last time was I felt sick and had side pain. This time all I am is tired. All. The. Time. I didn't realize that until the results of that blood work. The fatigue started the last week I was on vacation and I put it down to just being lazy. When I got back to work, every day was exhausting but I put it down to boredom and then stress of change coming. If I'm ill, this will also impact what I decide to do. Returning to work after being ill is hard - harder if it is a different job. But commuting??? gawd.
Now I have thoughts running in my head that I am going to be really sick and can't plan anything. Except to get things in order. Okay I'm not overly worried and I tend to prepare for worse case scenarios so I don't get sidelined.
If I get ill, this will devastate my kids and my mother. Oh, Karen and Gord will care but really, no one else will give a shit. See what happens when you can't find a life partner? You have to deal and cope all the worst things alone. I'm trying to keep some semblance of order and clean in here just in case. Why? Because I don't want any one coming over to visit or offer help and see it in a bad state. Actually, I don't want anyone coming over period. And, I just would like to live neater anyways. Friday is the ultrasound, and follow up next Friday for results. Then we'll see.
I feel like a rag doll. Old, worn out - perhaps once a favoured toy but now serves no purpose so is there taking up space.
It could be that my fatigue is due to depression. Depression that I have been hiding and denying for a long time. My head feels like it has cotton batten in it most of the day. Once afternoon hits, whether at home or at work, I just don't want to do anything. Just watch TV and play Candy Crush. The plan to take painting and drawing - out the window. There is so much distrust at work, at least from my end that I would love to be able to tell them to shove it in March and retire. Then I get all resentful that I can't because I won't have enough pension or a partner to tell me to just retire - I've done my time. I so regret not having someone in my life. I resent copying my mothers life. She was widowed at 42 - I was divorced at 42. I kept Paul in my life longer than I knew I should have as I didn't want to repeat her. But clearly, I was not meant to have someone. Was I born unappealing and it would have been more odd that I did marry for love and life? I just don't understand what I've done that is so bad that no man will ever want me. Interestingly enough, there is even an assumption on my daughter's part and others that I won't have anyone. Presuming that when I retire I will be in a position to move into a bigger house with them. (she wants me to bank roll of course). Not even a thought of gee, what if mom met someone. I guess once your kids see you as a reject to the opposite sex then you are definite over.
Maybe it is just timely that this old rag doll checks out anyways. Honestly...who after a bit of time will give a damn anyways? No one tries to make plans with me. They always have other things to do with other people or just don't respond to my text or phone message. Sometimes I feel that I am not much more than a baby sitter for Ashleigh and a possible money lender to Trevor. Take that away and I serve very little purpose. I'm so afraid to end up where their interactions are merely obligatory.
Yup. A useless ragdoll. A bitter one at that....
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