Here I have the first Friday in months that is wide open as to what I want to do as opposed to what I have to do and I woke up dizzy and not able to walk across the room without hanging on. No fever, nothing else - just walking like I got pulled over for DUI and failed walking a straight line. Oddly yesterday I felt like I was coming down with something and at night thought it was merely fatigue. So instead of going shopping for fall clothes and/or doing a Sal Ann dump, I'm stuck at home. However it is a long weekend and if I am lucky I will feel able to go look for boots and skinny legged pants tomorrow. The thought of trying on clothes over and over makes me wince. Still I want some new stuff.
What I wish I could do is buy new furniture and completely revamp this place. I could, but I have so many ideas that don't meld well together and the idea of emptying all of my crap from the cabinets and drawers I do have makes me want to just sit on the couch and watch tv. Which I do. Than I look around and the revamping ideas start again.
Even if I did all the reorganizing and it looked great, then what. It wouldn't fill that space in my heart that would sooner have someone, even if annoying in my life. Yes, P was annoying but that wasn't why I needed to stop seeing him. I can take annoying. I can even handle it if he loves science fiction or insists on watching sports all day on a Sunday. I can cope with messiness or even if he is a neat freak and I'm not. But I could no longer tolerate utter selfishness and him justifying it. The hoarding grew intolerable and the message it gave me was "I don't have room" for you and his refusing to come up here and meet my family and when he would have me come down, I would be reminded how this was taking him away from his work and his time is money. Selfish in that we did what he wanted, when he wanted. Even the last time I was there, I planned a nice dinner cruise as it was Christmas time and his 60th birthday was a couple weeks prior. What did he do? He insisted we stop at a taco place 2 hours before we were leaving because he hadn't eaten all day. We got there fine but even on the cruise, he insisted we wait until everyone else had gotten the buffet before we line up. It was just too much and I saw it would never change.
Now I alone and no longer really want to be. But not enough to do the online dating scene. It will have to be a fluke meeting. Now I have to figure out how to do more to open up that chance.
Going shopping and watching TV isn't going to make it happen.
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