It's going to be a long, dark winter. Awareness of being affected by the short days isn't helping. It's a push to get doing things and I do it on autopilot. I'm trying to get the Christmas shopping out of the way and am glad to have the advantage of vacation days. Ideally, I'd sooner just stay home and putter. I just want it all to be over. No longer do I look forward to Christmas. What is sad is I used to just love Christmas even when it was so busy crazy stressful when the kids were young. Now...don't care. When you know that what you feel is a great and thoughtful Christmas gift for your mother will be not liked and even told what is wrong with it. She won't remember 2 weeks later what I gave her anyways and likely tells people I didn't give her anything. This has happened too often so now I'll get pi's and slippers and be done with it. In a way it is good I'm going away this year as D & partner are coming to Ashleigh's. Buggers won't help with the work or the expense with dinner and are making them pick them up and take them to the airport. Gawd, take a frickin' cab like i do - cheap and lazy assholes.
I'm hurt and now angry and have decided to give up on L . Message received - I'm an energy vampire to her I guess. And I've come to realize no one wants my company anyways. If I can do something for them or if they feel obligated they may agree to do something with me. It could be that some people just aren't worth the bother to most people and I have to accept the fact that I am one of them. I've become my mother before I thought I would. No friends, hate working now and isolating. Just Like her. The one thing I don't do like her is make my kids feel they don't do anything right. No, I don't agree with how they react or choose things but that is their issue and not my place. My job is to reassure when they are worried. Never to judge. And the world is a rougher place today and they didn't have the best parents. I was a wimp of a mother that should have told their father to fuck off when they were really young, Yet they are good people who try so hard to keep going. They are good people who I did something right.
I'm not a bad person I don't believe and I do a pretty good job of not showing my feelings, nor do I express my detest of muslims and most asians. I do my job and try to share the load and make sure new people are helped and made to feel welcome. Yes, I'm not good enough. A couple things slipped out at work have made M & B look at me in astonishment. I don't cry except in frustration and anger.
As for men, it would be a shock to everyone if anyone paid any attention to me. I suspect M and B sensed that K seemed to try to get my attention. M started slamming him and going ew when witchly goes for lunch with him. His name never ever came up until she witnessed him what I believe flirting with me. Now I've noticed he turns his back and ignores me. Which makes it easier of course and I'm relieved. What I now wonder is why do I get drawn to someone who is inappropriate or simply unavailable. Then when I do get involved with someone, it tends to be with someone I feel little passion for but suppress that because "they are a nice guy". Then eventually that denial dictates that I emotionally withdraw or even what they call ghost them. I can't communicate negative feelings or deal with conflict so I withdraw. So they learn quickly that they can over rule things with me and their way is the only way and I end up unhappy. Worse is I have never learned how to speak up.
As for changing this, I can't see how or even why. If I'm not good enough for others then fuck them. I don't steal, or lie and I'm not a taker. Yet I'm an inconvenience.
I still don't quite know what Heather really wants. Friendly exchanges of emails yet, seriously, neither of us are truly sharing. I have a feeling though her perfect life with her Paul isn't so perfect. I think he is a taker . A hunch that the money she inherited is 50 percent his and he makes the decisions. I googled and the phone in Paris is only in his name. Hello???? A fancy coffee maker that is difficult to use. He comments on what she cooks. Spends money on some expensive collectible sports car kept in Cannes. What does she shop for? She doesn't say but now I hope she does in fact spend on good clothes and shoes. Maybe I'm looking for stuff but it feels odd that she has reached out.
She is the only person recently who bothers with me and doesn't appear to want anything from me. This is someone who I thought she viewed me as poor and common but was fun when we were young. I felt she was a snob and totally out of touch with real people.
Time will tell.
I'm tempted to go to Regina in June for a week then I will stay home for the rest of my vacation next year. I don't want to go with Karen on some cruise. I think I will use the cat getting old to get out of travel. I just can't deal with family.
Now if some great guy that I really was crazy about were to come into my life and wanted to go somewhere.....
Again, I can only dream. I have a better chance to winning the 6/49.
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