Spring and summer have come and gone and it may appear that I'm happy in the warmer seasons so don't write. Well, actually I wasn't necessarily happier but learning that no one really gives a damn what I want or need so I just grab what I know is okay and ignore everything else. And I'm eating a bit differently. It does make a big difference. Eating a lot less starchy carbs - bread and pasta and trying like mad to cut sugar but once an addict.... . I've lost about 8 lbs and if I want to lose more, (of course I do) I'll have to seriously portion control plus increase activity. But now it's winter so increasing exercise is likely not going to happen.
Summer... well. Instead of having to give up my Fridays off, I had to give up my summer vacation and spend 24/7 listening to Mum repeat the same moans and groans. Still trying to boss me around like I am 10 and still wanting 100% attention. It doesn't feel like I had any downtime. I like my brother but I was kinda bugged that he didn't want me at their place for more than one night. Got it. Won't ask again. I go back at Christmas but for a shorter time so it will be okay. I do NOT want to give up vacation for her next year but of course I will. Funny, it isn't expected of the others. They can plan vacation all the time without it being assumed they really should;t,
Gord got the POA and will thing taken care of so that is good. Now I just am prepared for whatever. Here is what makes me a bit of a sociopath - I really don't want this game to carry on for much longer. Selfish? Yes. But my honest feelings that I. Can. Not. Share. It isn't as though she is living a full life with close friends and grand kids wanting to visit. Her demanding, manipulative nature has pushed too many of us away. But we are supposed to respect and love our parents. Yes, Alzheimers is a cruel illness, if that is what is going on but from what I can see, old age has magnified traits that were there anyways. Whining about how hard her life has been, how mean some people have been to her throughout the years and now, not bothering with anyones birthdays. I have to admit hurt at her not recognizing or acknowledging the presents from last Christmas. I can let it all go, but how I wish I had a mom that would have said "Audrey, you need to re-learn your trust and find a good man to share your life with. Let the past go - just take what you have learned from then and embrace someone new". But nope. She proudly repeats "you are just like me - cooking for one and working" . I want to scream "I am NOT like you one bit". It is what it is and I don't fight it or try to change it. It just makes me sad that I've had to admit that I had crappy parents. I learned that if I didn't say or do as they liked and expected that I would not be loved. That is the rule I learned to live by and now I can't keep a relationship because once I realize my frustrations my voice is suppressed and feelings are dismissed.
As for T maybe trying to connect - nope. Forget it. Oh, I did get an email that for a memento made me hope "oh Audrey, this is not good news. You will be missed". But, I've learned to just now accept that in this city I likely will not meet anyone. Older women do not appeal. Sure, I could pass for 5 to 10 years younger, but even then.
But...something may or not be brewing. Working in a different building, different job my routine is different and somehow KC has crossed my paths. Some weird coincidences make me almost wonder if he is trying to track my routine as well. What puzzles me is why on earth have we not noticed each other when we have both been working there for some time. Weird. Why now? Maybe I carry myself different and have less self conscience matter. I think the first time we crossed paths was when I was delivering / picking up the mail and he was walking towards me and commented on a strong perfume smell in the hall. Then, the wasps were getting us and we were being hysterical women trying to get our stuff and he came running when we were yelling. I was laughing and yelling. Our eyes locked momentarily. I grew a bit curious and started watching for him and would see him in the smoking shelter. One morning he looked up and yelled morning. Then, he called for Ursula and I recall being confused yet thrilled when I saw his name on the call display. Confused as why would he call me when....whoa...hold on. He would have had her cell. Right? Oh gawd, is this possible? Then as timing would have it he was coming in to Org as I was and he came again looking for Ursula. Timing is amazing - I didn't try. Just aware of the possibility.
Then on Wednesday .... he came out on morning break when I was there with Michelle. What did he say when M stopped talking and he put down his phone for a second? "I like your boots". Inwardly, I was flattered and excited and merely said thanks, they are the most comfortable boots I've had". Insides were shaking, I left no clue to M nor did she say a thing. That means either its all in my head or she preferred to maintain the belief I have not worth to men so his words are meaningless. I figure if he is trying to flirt or get my attention, I like it and it works. It has been a long time since I've been drawn to anyone and even longer since I've had a hint of someone interested in me. As for him phoning my line for Ursula....I have to think about the possibility he was looking for an excuse to connect with me.
He is friendly but not loudly seeking attention. Dark hair, blue eyes that I think change colour (or he wears coloured contact?) Problems: he is likely 8 to 10 years younger than me. He appears he likely is part Native even though he has a very Scottish name. My family has a lot of prejudices against natives so this could be awkward - big time. I'm not attractive so why would he be interested and ,,,,,,,I don't know if he is married or involved.
And, he is a nicer person than me.
He is a person that fights for human rights issues and extends his hand in areas he doesn't have to. He got in a bit of trouble with seeking out organizing a site he feels needs to be unionized. He isn't an organizer so the VP got a bit pissy about not following protocols. He is a better person than me - I can just tell so I'll not push anything as once he grasps this whatever interest he may have will disappear. For now, I'll enjoy the possibility of a man actually curious about me. If, on the outside possibility that he might ask me out for coffee or whatever, I need to broach the subject of if he has someone. He lives out in the Ridge so I suspect he does. Then why flirt? Why be curious? I know the answer to that - there is something not working in the relationship. Once I was attracted to T, I saw the flaws in P so much clearer. They were magnified and irritating. No, I didn't end the relationship with P because of T - T was symptomatic that things were not right. Otherwise there would not have been any interest.
So because I believe fates will toss us in near proximity I'm leaving it up to him. I need to be chased. I need to be shown that he is interested. Most importantly - I can't pretend to be anything or anyone I'm not. I also need to learn to not blab so much about myself, revealing details too soon. At the same time, I need to be myself so I guess blabbing stuff with a friendly person is something I would do anyways. Suspecting, yet not knowing, that he is tracking me to be around me is rather thrilling. But I've learned the hard way. Don't assume a thing and don't hope for something just because I'm empty.
Have I become a hard bitter old woman? Was I the only Canadian not crying over the drowned refugee boy? Does no one else wonder if this is a trick? A trojan horse so to speak? These people, a million of them, are Muslims. They multiply like rabbits and their Quoran tells them lying and cheating westerners is allowed as we are infidels. Fuck off and go home - all of you. I want to say our doors are closed. In 20 years, we won't recognize the country we grew up in. THEIR laws and beliefs will be forced upon us. Or, they will justify killing us. My country has no balls. I don't want to vote for Harper but he is the only one that has the guts to take a stand on this. The other two are swayed by bleeding hearts and want their votes. But Harper also doesn't give a flying fuck about anyone in Canada who doesn't make at least $75,000 a year.
Will try to write more and keep this up. Nice to write something with a degree of anticipation and hope. Just a reminder that a part of me that I thought was dead - is very much alive.
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