It's going to be a long, dark winter. Awareness of being affected by the short days isn't helping. It's a push to get doing things and I do it on autopilot. I'm trying to get the Christmas shopping out of the way and am glad to have the advantage of vacation days. Ideally, I'd sooner just stay home and putter. I just want it all to be over. No longer do I look forward to Christmas. What is sad is I used to just love Christmas even when it was so busy crazy stressful when the kids were young. Now...don't care. When you know that what you feel is a great and thoughtful Christmas gift for your mother will be not liked and even told what is wrong with it. She won't remember 2 weeks later what I gave her anyways and likely tells people I didn't give her anything. This has happened too often so now I'll get pi's and slippers and be done with it. In a way it is good I'm going away this year as D & partner are coming to Ashleigh's. Buggers won't help with the work or the expense with dinner and are making them pick them up and take them to the airport. Gawd, take a frickin' cab like i do - cheap and lazy assholes.
I'm hurt and now angry and have decided to give up on L . Message received - I'm an energy vampire to her I guess. And I've come to realize no one wants my company anyways. If I can do something for them or if they feel obligated they may agree to do something with me. It could be that some people just aren't worth the bother to most people and I have to accept the fact that I am one of them. I've become my mother before I thought I would. No friends, hate working now and isolating. Just Like her. The one thing I don't do like her is make my kids feel they don't do anything right. No, I don't agree with how they react or choose things but that is their issue and not my place. My job is to reassure when they are worried. Never to judge. And the world is a rougher place today and they didn't have the best parents. I was a wimp of a mother that should have told their father to fuck off when they were really young, Yet they are good people who try so hard to keep going. They are good people who I did something right.
I'm not a bad person I don't believe and I do a pretty good job of not showing my feelings, nor do I express my detest of muslims and most asians. I do my job and try to share the load and make sure new people are helped and made to feel welcome. Yes, I'm not good enough. A couple things slipped out at work have made M & B look at me in astonishment. I don't cry except in frustration and anger.
As for men, it would be a shock to everyone if anyone paid any attention to me. I suspect M and B sensed that K seemed to try to get my attention. M started slamming him and going ew when witchly goes for lunch with him. His name never ever came up until she witnessed him what I believe flirting with me. Now I've noticed he turns his back and ignores me. Which makes it easier of course and I'm relieved. What I now wonder is why do I get drawn to someone who is inappropriate or simply unavailable. Then when I do get involved with someone, it tends to be with someone I feel little passion for but suppress that because "they are a nice guy". Then eventually that denial dictates that I emotionally withdraw or even what they call ghost them. I can't communicate negative feelings or deal with conflict so I withdraw. So they learn quickly that they can over rule things with me and their way is the only way and I end up unhappy. Worse is I have never learned how to speak up.
As for changing this, I can't see how or even why. If I'm not good enough for others then fuck them. I don't steal, or lie and I'm not a taker. Yet I'm an inconvenience.
I still don't quite know what Heather really wants. Friendly exchanges of emails yet, seriously, neither of us are truly sharing. I have a feeling though her perfect life with her Paul isn't so perfect. I think he is a taker . A hunch that the money she inherited is 50 percent his and he makes the decisions. I googled and the phone in Paris is only in his name. Hello???? A fancy coffee maker that is difficult to use. He comments on what she cooks. Spends money on some expensive collectible sports car kept in Cannes. What does she shop for? She doesn't say but now I hope she does in fact spend on good clothes and shoes. Maybe I'm looking for stuff but it feels odd that she has reached out.
She is the only person recently who bothers with me and doesn't appear to want anything from me. This is someone who I thought she viewed me as poor and common but was fun when we were young. I felt she was a snob and totally out of touch with real people.
Time will tell.
I'm tempted to go to Regina in June for a week then I will stay home for the rest of my vacation next year. I don't want to go with Karen on some cruise. I think I will use the cat getting old to get out of travel. I just can't deal with family.
Now if some great guy that I really was crazy about were to come into my life and wanted to go somewhere.....
Again, I can only dream. I have a better chance to winning the 6/49.
Monday, November 09, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
Embittered
I'm an idiot. I know how much younger he is than me and believed I could shut the attraction off. Oh I don't try to run into him, but somehow I still do. WTF? If I didn't know better I would think he is tracking and hoping to run into me. Clearly he isn't aware of how old I am. hahahahahahaha! Sensing someone is curious about me is an ego trip for sure. But the reality is, this will go no where.
I think winter depression is once again starting to settle in. Craving carbs, sleeping difficulties and wanting to isolate and not leave the apartment. Now I don't want to go to Regina for Christmas and wish I hadn't booked it. Had I not been going there I could have gone to Hawaii and met up with Karen and surprised Justin. One thing about going twice this year is I won't have to go twice next year. I'll go for a week in August but the rest of my vacation time will be mine.
My need to isolate is pretty bad. I don't want to put the work into having the kids over and they must be a bit hurt. I used to but I just don't want to. I have to spend a day reorganizing and Arielle proofing much less the cooking. I just don't want to. My world is supposed to be about them but it is more important I don't miss my shows and have peace and quite.
So this whole niquab wearing issue is making my nuts. It has made me so aware of how racist I really am. I seriously don't like them nor do I trust them. They dress like it is 600 BC and we are forced to accept our rules being changed for them. I'm more surprised at the supporters . Are they blind? Giving the benefit of the doubt isn't a good idea when it comes to illegal immigrants and supposed refugees from the middle east. Or from Asia for that matter. Yeah, I hate the world.
know what is sad? I have more regrets than memories of happiness. My good moments were always dashed. I learned eventually to just not hope for much or let happiness settle in my bones because it will be taken from you. Retirement will be what long weekends are like but with a lot less money. I should be planning trips now but knowing I can't find anyone to go when and where I want is impossible. Being in touch with Heather makes me consider going to the UK but then I realize my aunts will only want to sing the praises of 'poor Linda' and Heather has a ton of money to spend and she isn't one to treat - each pays their own way. Which is fine when it is affordable but she has zero clue. I want to go to Hawaii but no one to go with. Karen wants to go on some Alaskan cruise next august but i'd sooner go on a LA cruise. This is one reason being permanently single and undatable sucks. No one to enjoy things with. Like a nice restaurant now and then. A play. Even Fright Night would be fun. But it seems I'm not meant to ever have anyone. I never was meant to.
I guess that is it - I have no purpose. No purpose, equals no motivation.
As much as I'm glad I've reconnected with Heather I'm still confused as to why she bothered. She isn't opening up about why so I'm a bit suspicious. I thought she might be planning a trip here again - no mention yet. She doesn't volunteer much and does respond to what I write in a friendly manner. No mention or hint of wanting to reconnect with "family" or if getting to e 61 has made her regretful or reflective. No asking about aunt / uncles cousins or my sibs here. Nor do I as I don't trust her to keep my real thoughts to herself. If only I wasn't so distrustful I would suggest that we meet in New York. We each book our own flights and room and have an adventure. But, she would only shop at boutiques and designer shops and I'd want to go to the village.
No hopes or dreams anymore. That is what makes one old.
I think winter depression is once again starting to settle in. Craving carbs, sleeping difficulties and wanting to isolate and not leave the apartment. Now I don't want to go to Regina for Christmas and wish I hadn't booked it. Had I not been going there I could have gone to Hawaii and met up with Karen and surprised Justin. One thing about going twice this year is I won't have to go twice next year. I'll go for a week in August but the rest of my vacation time will be mine.
My need to isolate is pretty bad. I don't want to put the work into having the kids over and they must be a bit hurt. I used to but I just don't want to. I have to spend a day reorganizing and Arielle proofing much less the cooking. I just don't want to. My world is supposed to be about them but it is more important I don't miss my shows and have peace and quite.
So this whole niquab wearing issue is making my nuts. It has made me so aware of how racist I really am. I seriously don't like them nor do I trust them. They dress like it is 600 BC and we are forced to accept our rules being changed for them. I'm more surprised at the supporters . Are they blind? Giving the benefit of the doubt isn't a good idea when it comes to illegal immigrants and supposed refugees from the middle east. Or from Asia for that matter. Yeah, I hate the world.
know what is sad? I have more regrets than memories of happiness. My good moments were always dashed. I learned eventually to just not hope for much or let happiness settle in my bones because it will be taken from you. Retirement will be what long weekends are like but with a lot less money. I should be planning trips now but knowing I can't find anyone to go when and where I want is impossible. Being in touch with Heather makes me consider going to the UK but then I realize my aunts will only want to sing the praises of 'poor Linda' and Heather has a ton of money to spend and she isn't one to treat - each pays their own way. Which is fine when it is affordable but she has zero clue. I want to go to Hawaii but no one to go with. Karen wants to go on some Alaskan cruise next august but i'd sooner go on a LA cruise. This is one reason being permanently single and undatable sucks. No one to enjoy things with. Like a nice restaurant now and then. A play. Even Fright Night would be fun. But it seems I'm not meant to ever have anyone. I never was meant to.
I guess that is it - I have no purpose. No purpose, equals no motivation.
As much as I'm glad I've reconnected with Heather I'm still confused as to why she bothered. She isn't opening up about why so I'm a bit suspicious. I thought she might be planning a trip here again - no mention yet. She doesn't volunteer much and does respond to what I write in a friendly manner. No mention or hint of wanting to reconnect with "family" or if getting to e 61 has made her regretful or reflective. No asking about aunt / uncles cousins or my sibs here. Nor do I as I don't trust her to keep my real thoughts to herself. If only I wasn't so distrustful I would suggest that we meet in New York. We each book our own flights and room and have an adventure. But, she would only shop at boutiques and designer shops and I'd want to go to the village.
No hopes or dreams anymore. That is what makes one old.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Dashed
Again.
I knew better than to allow a bit of hope that someone could be drawn to me. If he is, then he is blind as I learned through Facebook that he is 14 friggin' years younger than me!!! Nope, can't happen. And it won't.
Thank gawd I knew better than to make afoul of myself. Why are the guys I'm drawn to younger than me? It has to be related to losing a decade of my life stuck in a no where bound relationship. Biggest mistake I made.
Damn it. I mean, I really thought he was older. Still younger than me but not by that much. This means he has been through stuff.
Joke is on us (if we are attracted to each other) as he looks older and I look younger so the gap wouldn't be as severe.
Isn't this just like how things turn out for me? I don't even get out of the starting gate any more.
Still, it is enlightening to realize that part of me isn't dead.
Even if everyone else assumes so.
I knew better than to allow a bit of hope that someone could be drawn to me. If he is, then he is blind as I learned through Facebook that he is 14 friggin' years younger than me!!! Nope, can't happen. And it won't.
Thank gawd I knew better than to make afoul of myself. Why are the guys I'm drawn to younger than me? It has to be related to losing a decade of my life stuck in a no where bound relationship. Biggest mistake I made.
Damn it. I mean, I really thought he was older. Still younger than me but not by that much. This means he has been through stuff.
Joke is on us (if we are attracted to each other) as he looks older and I look younger so the gap wouldn't be as severe.
Isn't this just like how things turn out for me? I don't even get out of the starting gate any more.
Still, it is enlightening to realize that part of me isn't dead.
Even if everyone else assumes so.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
New Fall, New Hopes with caution.
Spring and summer have come and gone and it may appear that I'm happy in the warmer seasons so don't write. Well, actually I wasn't necessarily happier but learning that no one really gives a damn what I want or need so I just grab what I know is okay and ignore everything else. And I'm eating a bit differently. It does make a big difference. Eating a lot less starchy carbs - bread and pasta and trying like mad to cut sugar but once an addict.... . I've lost about 8 lbs and if I want to lose more, (of course I do) I'll have to seriously portion control plus increase activity. But now it's winter so increasing exercise is likely not going to happen.
Summer... well. Instead of having to give up my Fridays off, I had to give up my summer vacation and spend 24/7 listening to Mum repeat the same moans and groans. Still trying to boss me around like I am 10 and still wanting 100% attention. It doesn't feel like I had any downtime. I like my brother but I was kinda bugged that he didn't want me at their place for more than one night. Got it. Won't ask again. I go back at Christmas but for a shorter time so it will be okay. I do NOT want to give up vacation for her next year but of course I will. Funny, it isn't expected of the others. They can plan vacation all the time without it being assumed they really should;t,
Gord got the POA and will thing taken care of so that is good. Now I just am prepared for whatever. Here is what makes me a bit of a sociopath - I really don't want this game to carry on for much longer. Selfish? Yes. But my honest feelings that I. Can. Not. Share. It isn't as though she is living a full life with close friends and grand kids wanting to visit. Her demanding, manipulative nature has pushed too many of us away. But we are supposed to respect and love our parents. Yes, Alzheimers is a cruel illness, if that is what is going on but from what I can see, old age has magnified traits that were there anyways. Whining about how hard her life has been, how mean some people have been to her throughout the years and now, not bothering with anyones birthdays. I have to admit hurt at her not recognizing or acknowledging the presents from last Christmas. I can let it all go, but how I wish I had a mom that would have said "Audrey, you need to re-learn your trust and find a good man to share your life with. Let the past go - just take what you have learned from then and embrace someone new". But nope. She proudly repeats "you are just like me - cooking for one and working" . I want to scream "I am NOT like you one bit". It is what it is and I don't fight it or try to change it. It just makes me sad that I've had to admit that I had crappy parents. I learned that if I didn't say or do as they liked and expected that I would not be loved. That is the rule I learned to live by and now I can't keep a relationship because once I realize my frustrations my voice is suppressed and feelings are dismissed.
As for T maybe trying to connect - nope. Forget it. Oh, I did get an email that for a memento made me hope "oh Audrey, this is not good news. You will be missed". But, I've learned to just now accept that in this city I likely will not meet anyone. Older women do not appeal. Sure, I could pass for 5 to 10 years younger, but even then.
But...something may or not be brewing. Working in a different building, different job my routine is different and somehow KC has crossed my paths. Some weird coincidences make me almost wonder if he is trying to track my routine as well. What puzzles me is why on earth have we not noticed each other when we have both been working there for some time. Weird. Why now? Maybe I carry myself different and have less self conscience matter. I think the first time we crossed paths was when I was delivering / picking up the mail and he was walking towards me and commented on a strong perfume smell in the hall. Then, the wasps were getting us and we were being hysterical women trying to get our stuff and he came running when we were yelling. I was laughing and yelling. Our eyes locked momentarily. I grew a bit curious and started watching for him and would see him in the smoking shelter. One morning he looked up and yelled morning. Then, he called for Ursula and I recall being confused yet thrilled when I saw his name on the call display. Confused as why would he call me when....whoa...hold on. He would have had her cell. Right? Oh gawd, is this possible? Then as timing would have it he was coming in to Org as I was and he came again looking for Ursula. Timing is amazing - I didn't try. Just aware of the possibility.
Then on Wednesday .... he came out on morning break when I was there with Michelle. What did he say when M stopped talking and he put down his phone for a second? "I like your boots". Inwardly, I was flattered and excited and merely said thanks, they are the most comfortable boots I've had". Insides were shaking, I left no clue to M nor did she say a thing. That means either its all in my head or she preferred to maintain the belief I have not worth to men so his words are meaningless. I figure if he is trying to flirt or get my attention, I like it and it works. It has been a long time since I've been drawn to anyone and even longer since I've had a hint of someone interested in me. As for him phoning my line for Ursula....I have to think about the possibility he was looking for an excuse to connect with me.
He is friendly but not loudly seeking attention. Dark hair, blue eyes that I think change colour (or he wears coloured contact?) Problems: he is likely 8 to 10 years younger than me. He appears he likely is part Native even though he has a very Scottish name. My family has a lot of prejudices against natives so this could be awkward - big time. I'm not attractive so why would he be interested and ,,,,,,,I don't know if he is married or involved.
And, he is a nicer person than me.
He is a person that fights for human rights issues and extends his hand in areas he doesn't have to. He got in a bit of trouble with seeking out organizing a site he feels needs to be unionized. He isn't an organizer so the VP got a bit pissy about not following protocols. He is a better person than me - I can just tell so I'll not push anything as once he grasps this whatever interest he may have will disappear. For now, I'll enjoy the possibility of a man actually curious about me. If, on the outside possibility that he might ask me out for coffee or whatever, I need to broach the subject of if he has someone. He lives out in the Ridge so I suspect he does. Then why flirt? Why be curious? I know the answer to that - there is something not working in the relationship. Once I was attracted to T, I saw the flaws in P so much clearer. They were magnified and irritating. No, I didn't end the relationship with P because of T - T was symptomatic that things were not right. Otherwise there would not have been any interest.
So because I believe fates will toss us in near proximity I'm leaving it up to him. I need to be chased. I need to be shown that he is interested. Most importantly - I can't pretend to be anything or anyone I'm not. I also need to learn to not blab so much about myself, revealing details too soon. At the same time, I need to be myself so I guess blabbing stuff with a friendly person is something I would do anyways. Suspecting, yet not knowing, that he is tracking me to be around me is rather thrilling. But I've learned the hard way. Don't assume a thing and don't hope for something just because I'm empty.
Have I become a hard bitter old woman? Was I the only Canadian not crying over the drowned refugee boy? Does no one else wonder if this is a trick? A trojan horse so to speak? These people, a million of them, are Muslims. They multiply like rabbits and their Quoran tells them lying and cheating westerners is allowed as we are infidels. Fuck off and go home - all of you. I want to say our doors are closed. In 20 years, we won't recognize the country we grew up in. THEIR laws and beliefs will be forced upon us. Or, they will justify killing us. My country has no balls. I don't want to vote for Harper but he is the only one that has the guts to take a stand on this. The other two are swayed by bleeding hearts and want their votes. But Harper also doesn't give a flying fuck about anyone in Canada who doesn't make at least $75,000 a year.
Will try to write more and keep this up. Nice to write something with a degree of anticipation and hope. Just a reminder that a part of me that I thought was dead - is very much alive.
Summer... well. Instead of having to give up my Fridays off, I had to give up my summer vacation and spend 24/7 listening to Mum repeat the same moans and groans. Still trying to boss me around like I am 10 and still wanting 100% attention. It doesn't feel like I had any downtime. I like my brother but I was kinda bugged that he didn't want me at their place for more than one night. Got it. Won't ask again. I go back at Christmas but for a shorter time so it will be okay. I do NOT want to give up vacation for her next year but of course I will. Funny, it isn't expected of the others. They can plan vacation all the time without it being assumed they really should;t,
Gord got the POA and will thing taken care of so that is good. Now I just am prepared for whatever. Here is what makes me a bit of a sociopath - I really don't want this game to carry on for much longer. Selfish? Yes. But my honest feelings that I. Can. Not. Share. It isn't as though she is living a full life with close friends and grand kids wanting to visit. Her demanding, manipulative nature has pushed too many of us away. But we are supposed to respect and love our parents. Yes, Alzheimers is a cruel illness, if that is what is going on but from what I can see, old age has magnified traits that were there anyways. Whining about how hard her life has been, how mean some people have been to her throughout the years and now, not bothering with anyones birthdays. I have to admit hurt at her not recognizing or acknowledging the presents from last Christmas. I can let it all go, but how I wish I had a mom that would have said "Audrey, you need to re-learn your trust and find a good man to share your life with. Let the past go - just take what you have learned from then and embrace someone new". But nope. She proudly repeats "you are just like me - cooking for one and working" . I want to scream "I am NOT like you one bit". It is what it is and I don't fight it or try to change it. It just makes me sad that I've had to admit that I had crappy parents. I learned that if I didn't say or do as they liked and expected that I would not be loved. That is the rule I learned to live by and now I can't keep a relationship because once I realize my frustrations my voice is suppressed and feelings are dismissed.
As for T maybe trying to connect - nope. Forget it. Oh, I did get an email that for a memento made me hope "oh Audrey, this is not good news. You will be missed". But, I've learned to just now accept that in this city I likely will not meet anyone. Older women do not appeal. Sure, I could pass for 5 to 10 years younger, but even then.
But...something may or not be brewing. Working in a different building, different job my routine is different and somehow KC has crossed my paths. Some weird coincidences make me almost wonder if he is trying to track my routine as well. What puzzles me is why on earth have we not noticed each other when we have both been working there for some time. Weird. Why now? Maybe I carry myself different and have less self conscience matter. I think the first time we crossed paths was when I was delivering / picking up the mail and he was walking towards me and commented on a strong perfume smell in the hall. Then, the wasps were getting us and we were being hysterical women trying to get our stuff and he came running when we were yelling. I was laughing and yelling. Our eyes locked momentarily. I grew a bit curious and started watching for him and would see him in the smoking shelter. One morning he looked up and yelled morning. Then, he called for Ursula and I recall being confused yet thrilled when I saw his name on the call display. Confused as why would he call me when....whoa...hold on. He would have had her cell. Right? Oh gawd, is this possible? Then as timing would have it he was coming in to Org as I was and he came again looking for Ursula. Timing is amazing - I didn't try. Just aware of the possibility.
Then on Wednesday .... he came out on morning break when I was there with Michelle. What did he say when M stopped talking and he put down his phone for a second? "I like your boots". Inwardly, I was flattered and excited and merely said thanks, they are the most comfortable boots I've had". Insides were shaking, I left no clue to M nor did she say a thing. That means either its all in my head or she preferred to maintain the belief I have not worth to men so his words are meaningless. I figure if he is trying to flirt or get my attention, I like it and it works. It has been a long time since I've been drawn to anyone and even longer since I've had a hint of someone interested in me. As for him phoning my line for Ursula....I have to think about the possibility he was looking for an excuse to connect with me.
He is friendly but not loudly seeking attention. Dark hair, blue eyes that I think change colour (or he wears coloured contact?) Problems: he is likely 8 to 10 years younger than me. He appears he likely is part Native even though he has a very Scottish name. My family has a lot of prejudices against natives so this could be awkward - big time. I'm not attractive so why would he be interested and ,,,,,,,I don't know if he is married or involved.
And, he is a nicer person than me.
He is a person that fights for human rights issues and extends his hand in areas he doesn't have to. He got in a bit of trouble with seeking out organizing a site he feels needs to be unionized. He isn't an organizer so the VP got a bit pissy about not following protocols. He is a better person than me - I can just tell so I'll not push anything as once he grasps this whatever interest he may have will disappear. For now, I'll enjoy the possibility of a man actually curious about me. If, on the outside possibility that he might ask me out for coffee or whatever, I need to broach the subject of if he has someone. He lives out in the Ridge so I suspect he does. Then why flirt? Why be curious? I know the answer to that - there is something not working in the relationship. Once I was attracted to T, I saw the flaws in P so much clearer. They were magnified and irritating. No, I didn't end the relationship with P because of T - T was symptomatic that things were not right. Otherwise there would not have been any interest.
So because I believe fates will toss us in near proximity I'm leaving it up to him. I need to be chased. I need to be shown that he is interested. Most importantly - I can't pretend to be anything or anyone I'm not. I also need to learn to not blab so much about myself, revealing details too soon. At the same time, I need to be myself so I guess blabbing stuff with a friendly person is something I would do anyways. Suspecting, yet not knowing, that he is tracking me to be around me is rather thrilling. But I've learned the hard way. Don't assume a thing and don't hope for something just because I'm empty.
Have I become a hard bitter old woman? Was I the only Canadian not crying over the drowned refugee boy? Does no one else wonder if this is a trick? A trojan horse so to speak? These people, a million of them, are Muslims. They multiply like rabbits and their Quoran tells them lying and cheating westerners is allowed as we are infidels. Fuck off and go home - all of you. I want to say our doors are closed. In 20 years, we won't recognize the country we grew up in. THEIR laws and beliefs will be forced upon us. Or, they will justify killing us. My country has no balls. I don't want to vote for Harper but he is the only one that has the guts to take a stand on this. The other two are swayed by bleeding hearts and want their votes. But Harper also doesn't give a flying fuck about anyone in Canada who doesn't make at least $75,000 a year.
Will try to write more and keep this up. Nice to write something with a degree of anticipation and hope. Just a reminder that a part of me that I thought was dead - is very much alive.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Winter Demons
Winter got me. Got me good. For once I had a great Christmas - I was with my kids who WANTED me with them, not like my sister who only felt obligated to have me. And yet, January barely was in and I wanted to hibernate. It is March tomorrow and I'm still sluggish. Today, was beautiful out and I was actually afraid to leave my neighbourhood because I get tired after 2 hours and just want to get home as soon as possible. It's not like I used my time at home to clean and organize. Oh noooooo. I put groceries away and flop down on the couch and watch tv all day until I go to bed.
I've been fighting off a virus for almost a month now and that has slowed me down. Today I thought I was over it but fatigue and coughing ruled the afternoon. Frankly, I think depression is keeping me physically sick. This has never happened but it has to come out some way. Normally I over eat.
I've bought 2 new small things for decorating this place and I think and hope just starting to fix my home will progress and I'll feel good about my home. But it's such an effort - trying to figure out how to get rid of things. I don't like strangers coming in here and for that matter I don't like people I know coming over either. Makes it hard to sell a teak hutch and get rid of Trev's TV. I just prefer to be alone.
One reason is people always disappoint me. People who I believed liked me and wanted my company actually only want me around to either a) point out how superior they are to me by judging or making hurtful comments or b) feel obligated to tolerate me so they don't appear to be mean. Last Sunday I was quite taken aback at A's comments / statements concerning my grand daughter. Has she no clue as to how hurtful she is insisting she is at 18 month level and only is in school because "they want to socialize them now". Excuse me???? You know, a year ago she was judging about why I stayed married as long as I did. "I mean, didn't him not wanting sex with you tell you something". I let it go but now...I am seeing a side to her that will take out her own unhappiness on me by going for areas that will hurt. I know I explained to her that his MO was to act like I was disgusting and stupid and never good enough so that he could hide leaving with that. So now, I'm having to emotionally remove myself from her now.
Now I really don't want to go to Regina this summer. Her and Mom are tugging at me, both wanting my time with them. I told Arlene Mom is not getting my spending time with her and her response was "We can pick her up and take her places with us". Uh, noooo. I'll go, base myself at Mom's and Arlene will just have to deal. In light of these two things she has said to me, I'm not feeling torn if she gets hurt I don't spend all my time with her. The other thing she did that smarted was joking with Randy about hooking me up with some dumb ass friend that has no appeal "but he has money!". I'm a joke and only can be matched up with idiots. Now I wish I had played my cards with Brian when I had an opening. Wish I hadn't shut him down - wouldn't she have blinked. He's younger than me and good looking. If I have that opportunity this year I'll go for it.
Sick of my job. Sick of being bored. Sick of lousy shows on TV. Sick of me having to initiate everything with everyone. I've stopped asking now though. I can't help but wonder if my mind/feelings is what is making me hang on to this bug. Never have I had something hang on this long. 3 frickin' weeks.
Exception is enjoying time with Libby. I came down with this that weekend but it didn't ruin the weekend. I just ran outta steam on Saturday when we were downtown. Thing is, even without a cold, I have no energy or motivation in the afternoon. I could have and should have finished a couple sewing projects today but I didn't. Tomorrow, hopefully. Once I finish a couple UFP's I can do something new. Some cushions for this place. And a couple quilts for ME.
People are just so disappointing. Work friends? Right. Not one of those bitches will contact me once I retire. I'd be kidding myself otherwise. Oh, there will be a Facebook comment or an email, but no "lets meet on Sat for shopping and lunch".
Cycle: people disappoint me, so I avoid trying to engage, which makes me removed, so they don't try, so I give up and isolate. Okay, solution is find people who don't disappoint me rather than just give up.
It's been easier to give up and expect nothing. If any positive attention and attitude comes my way, it is bonus but not the rule.
Maybe this is just winter talk. Maybe this will reverse when longer days and warm weather comes.
Yeah, and maybe there will be world peace. All of it is wishful thinking and cannot be counted on.
I've been fighting off a virus for almost a month now and that has slowed me down. Today I thought I was over it but fatigue and coughing ruled the afternoon. Frankly, I think depression is keeping me physically sick. This has never happened but it has to come out some way. Normally I over eat.
I've bought 2 new small things for decorating this place and I think and hope just starting to fix my home will progress and I'll feel good about my home. But it's such an effort - trying to figure out how to get rid of things. I don't like strangers coming in here and for that matter I don't like people I know coming over either. Makes it hard to sell a teak hutch and get rid of Trev's TV. I just prefer to be alone.
One reason is people always disappoint me. People who I believed liked me and wanted my company actually only want me around to either a) point out how superior they are to me by judging or making hurtful comments or b) feel obligated to tolerate me so they don't appear to be mean. Last Sunday I was quite taken aback at A's comments / statements concerning my grand daughter. Has she no clue as to how hurtful she is insisting she is at 18 month level and only is in school because "they want to socialize them now". Excuse me???? You know, a year ago she was judging about why I stayed married as long as I did. "I mean, didn't him not wanting sex with you tell you something". I let it go but now...I am seeing a side to her that will take out her own unhappiness on me by going for areas that will hurt. I know I explained to her that his MO was to act like I was disgusting and stupid and never good enough so that he could hide leaving with that. So now, I'm having to emotionally remove myself from her now.
Now I really don't want to go to Regina this summer. Her and Mom are tugging at me, both wanting my time with them. I told Arlene Mom is not getting my spending time with her and her response was "We can pick her up and take her places with us". Uh, noooo. I'll go, base myself at Mom's and Arlene will just have to deal. In light of these two things she has said to me, I'm not feeling torn if she gets hurt I don't spend all my time with her. The other thing she did that smarted was joking with Randy about hooking me up with some dumb ass friend that has no appeal "but he has money!". I'm a joke and only can be matched up with idiots. Now I wish I had played my cards with Brian when I had an opening. Wish I hadn't shut him down - wouldn't she have blinked. He's younger than me and good looking. If I have that opportunity this year I'll go for it.
Sick of my job. Sick of being bored. Sick of lousy shows on TV. Sick of me having to initiate everything with everyone. I've stopped asking now though. I can't help but wonder if my mind/feelings is what is making me hang on to this bug. Never have I had something hang on this long. 3 frickin' weeks.
Exception is enjoying time with Libby. I came down with this that weekend but it didn't ruin the weekend. I just ran outta steam on Saturday when we were downtown. Thing is, even without a cold, I have no energy or motivation in the afternoon. I could have and should have finished a couple sewing projects today but I didn't. Tomorrow, hopefully. Once I finish a couple UFP's I can do something new. Some cushions for this place. And a couple quilts for ME.
People are just so disappointing. Work friends? Right. Not one of those bitches will contact me once I retire. I'd be kidding myself otherwise. Oh, there will be a Facebook comment or an email, but no "lets meet on Sat for shopping and lunch".
Cycle: people disappoint me, so I avoid trying to engage, which makes me removed, so they don't try, so I give up and isolate. Okay, solution is find people who don't disappoint me rather than just give up.
It's been easier to give up and expect nothing. If any positive attention and attitude comes my way, it is bonus but not the rule.
Maybe this is just winter talk. Maybe this will reverse when longer days and warm weather comes.
Yeah, and maybe there will be world peace. All of it is wishful thinking and cannot be counted on.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
A. Bunker here
One day some one may or may not find this blog. My tendency is to write as honestly as i can but holding back as I would never want anyone hurt by something I've written here in a moment of frustration or anger.
But I'm not writing this in that mood. These thoughts have been perking for a long time and I can't pretend or hide my distaste for ....well, Muslims.
They are two faced, aggressive and liars. There. I've said it. I detest seeing them in their burkas and am so close to saying loudly "what country am I in?". They used religion as justification to get their way. Even trying to change our laws to theirs so it works for them. Our stupid country with its liberal ideas lets anyone in. But not my white English cousins.
I would like to believe I'm not an Archie Bunker type person, but I'm quickly becoming that. I don't like the lying, cheating phoney Chinese either. I watch Border Security both the Canadian and the Australian show and those friction Asians fake not knowing not to bring raw food and creepy shit in. One bitch tried to give the border gal a lousy $20 Australian to let her through with unclaimed crap. Ugh. We know here that most on the streets don't have a legit drivers licence; they pay off the chinese guy who is a friend of a cousin working at motor vechiles. And our premier is encouraging them. Who is she trying to kid saying "they are going to build our country". More like tear it down to another ugly Bejing.
There. I've said it. I don't care who reads this and is shocked. I will apologize to a couple decent Asians I've known but thing is, they act Canadian - not Asian. Is it to do with getting older and seeing the world fall to bits in the stupidity of politicians. Just old and bitter?
Na, I just don't like them and I'm older and honest now as I don't really give a shit.
But I'm not writing this in that mood. These thoughts have been perking for a long time and I can't pretend or hide my distaste for ....well, Muslims.
They are two faced, aggressive and liars. There. I've said it. I detest seeing them in their burkas and am so close to saying loudly "what country am I in?". They used religion as justification to get their way. Even trying to change our laws to theirs so it works for them. Our stupid country with its liberal ideas lets anyone in. But not my white English cousins.
I would like to believe I'm not an Archie Bunker type person, but I'm quickly becoming that. I don't like the lying, cheating phoney Chinese either. I watch Border Security both the Canadian and the Australian show and those friction Asians fake not knowing not to bring raw food and creepy shit in. One bitch tried to give the border gal a lousy $20 Australian to let her through with unclaimed crap. Ugh. We know here that most on the streets don't have a legit drivers licence; they pay off the chinese guy who is a friend of a cousin working at motor vechiles. And our premier is encouraging them. Who is she trying to kid saying "they are going to build our country". More like tear it down to another ugly Bejing.
There. I've said it. I don't care who reads this and is shocked. I will apologize to a couple decent Asians I've known but thing is, they act Canadian - not Asian. Is it to do with getting older and seeing the world fall to bits in the stupidity of politicians. Just old and bitter?
Na, I just don't like them and I'm older and honest now as I don't really give a shit.
Friday, October 10, 2014
dizzy with the aloneness
Here I have the first Friday in months that is wide open as to what I want to do as opposed to what I have to do and I woke up dizzy and not able to walk across the room without hanging on. No fever, nothing else - just walking like I got pulled over for DUI and failed walking a straight line. Oddly yesterday I felt like I was coming down with something and at night thought it was merely fatigue. So instead of going shopping for fall clothes and/or doing a Sal Ann dump, I'm stuck at home. However it is a long weekend and if I am lucky I will feel able to go look for boots and skinny legged pants tomorrow. The thought of trying on clothes over and over makes me wince. Still I want some new stuff.
What I wish I could do is buy new furniture and completely revamp this place. I could, but I have so many ideas that don't meld well together and the idea of emptying all of my crap from the cabinets and drawers I do have makes me want to just sit on the couch and watch tv. Which I do. Than I look around and the revamping ideas start again.
Even if I did all the reorganizing and it looked great, then what. It wouldn't fill that space in my heart that would sooner have someone, even if annoying in my life. Yes, P was annoying but that wasn't why I needed to stop seeing him. I can take annoying. I can even handle it if he loves science fiction or insists on watching sports all day on a Sunday. I can cope with messiness or even if he is a neat freak and I'm not. But I could no longer tolerate utter selfishness and him justifying it. The hoarding grew intolerable and the message it gave me was "I don't have room" for you and his refusing to come up here and meet my family and when he would have me come down, I would be reminded how this was taking him away from his work and his time is money. Selfish in that we did what he wanted, when he wanted. Even the last time I was there, I planned a nice dinner cruise as it was Christmas time and his 60th birthday was a couple weeks prior. What did he do? He insisted we stop at a taco place 2 hours before we were leaving because he hadn't eaten all day. We got there fine but even on the cruise, he insisted we wait until everyone else had gotten the buffet before we line up. It was just too much and I saw it would never change.
Now I alone and no longer really want to be. But not enough to do the online dating scene. It will have to be a fluke meeting. Now I have to figure out how to do more to open up that chance.
Going shopping and watching TV isn't going to make it happen.
What I wish I could do is buy new furniture and completely revamp this place. I could, but I have so many ideas that don't meld well together and the idea of emptying all of my crap from the cabinets and drawers I do have makes me want to just sit on the couch and watch tv. Which I do. Than I look around and the revamping ideas start again.
Even if I did all the reorganizing and it looked great, then what. It wouldn't fill that space in my heart that would sooner have someone, even if annoying in my life. Yes, P was annoying but that wasn't why I needed to stop seeing him. I can take annoying. I can even handle it if he loves science fiction or insists on watching sports all day on a Sunday. I can cope with messiness or even if he is a neat freak and I'm not. But I could no longer tolerate utter selfishness and him justifying it. The hoarding grew intolerable and the message it gave me was "I don't have room" for you and his refusing to come up here and meet my family and when he would have me come down, I would be reminded how this was taking him away from his work and his time is money. Selfish in that we did what he wanted, when he wanted. Even the last time I was there, I planned a nice dinner cruise as it was Christmas time and his 60th birthday was a couple weeks prior. What did he do? He insisted we stop at a taco place 2 hours before we were leaving because he hadn't eaten all day. We got there fine but even on the cruise, he insisted we wait until everyone else had gotten the buffet before we line up. It was just too much and I saw it would never change.
Now I alone and no longer really want to be. But not enough to do the online dating scene. It will have to be a fluke meeting. Now I have to figure out how to do more to open up that chance.
Going shopping and watching TV isn't going to make it happen.
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